Our Adoption Journey

Adoption Label on my New Blog

2008-05-24T13:35:00.002-06:00

This link, http://everydaybecky.blogspot.com/search/label/Adoption
will take you to all the posts I do on my new blog that are about our adoption process. My new blog is about my everyday life and covers a lot of topics, but I label the adoption posts, so the above link will take you directly to all adoption updates.

Becky

Update

2008-05-23T22:41:00.002-06:00

I just posted a new update on where we are at with adoption here: http://everydaybecky.blogspot.com/2008/05/adoption.html

I am humbled and grateful for the interest and prayers of those of you who are still checking in with us and caring about our family.

Thank you!

Love,
Becky

I'm Beginning a New Blog

2008-03-06T21:58:00.002-07:00

There is a rumor going around that the Liberian government is planning on shutting down adoptions for at least 4-6 months. It is just a rumor that hasn't been confirmed by our adoption agency yet, but I've heard it from enough sources that I'm thinking it is probably coming. The rumors say that the Liberian government officials want to evaluate the current adoption practices. These other sources are advising families to not accept any new referrals at this time. It pains me to say it, but it appears that our adoption will need to be put on hold until God prompts us to begin again.

In the mean time, I've started a new blog that I hope you'll visit. It is called Everyday Becky and the new address is: http://everydaybecky.blogspot.com/

This will be the blog that I will be using until we are able to continue our adoption journey. Click here to go to the new blog or here to read why I've decided I needed to begin a new blog. Please bookmark my new blog. I'd miss you all if you leave me now. : )

No Direction Yet

2008-02-28T12:30:00.004-07:00

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make Your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6

We got more news today about what happened with JJ's family. I guess his birth father was still in favor of the adoption, but the father's older sister was not. She had been in Ghana for medical care and had just returned. When she heard about the adoption, she wanted JJ withdrawn and will be raising him herself. The father didn't feel like he could disobey his older sister. Respecting elders is a cultural norm in Liberia.

I have had a lot of people ask what we plan to do next. The answer to that question is honestly I don't know.

Pat asked me this morning if I had received any insight yet. I told him that when I close my eyes I have a vision of a dead end with a huge wall in front of me. It's like the end of a very narrow hallway and there are no doors on either side. I'm just standing there looking up the big wall, completely void of any spiritual discernment or direction of what God's will is for us. Maybe it is just too soon to make a decision.

We have been given a lot of advice that I respect and appreciate. There seems to be four different opinions that others have asked us to consider.

1. Sometimes, we try to force something to happen when God has shut a door and said, "No." Maybe we are trying to do something that God isn't really asking us to do or blessing the effort.

2. Please keep pushing on. Stay with the process. Sometimes God asks us to do things and in the process we face many obstacles that we just need to press through in order to be obedient.

3. Take a break from it all. Concentrate on your new baby coming and after he/she is born you can revisit the idea of adoption.

4. Consider another program/country/domestic adoption plan that is less risky and more consistent.

We have listened to the heart of our friends and family and appreciate all of the food for thought. I truly am considering all of the above thoughts and seeking God in prayer. Now we just wait for the answer.

I wish that I could remove the emotion of impatience from the decision making process. I'm afraid that I am going to want to make a rash/hasty decision just because I am so desperate to get to the end of this journey. I'm tired of trying to grow our family, and I just want to be a family.

I also don't want to be like Sarah in the Old Testament. God had promised to bless her with a child and she took matters into her own hands and messed everything up. Our world is still dearly paying for her impatience. I want to wait and be patient for the child God has chosen to join our family. Help me, Lord, to slow down and follow instead of trying to run ahead.

On Monday mornings, I lead a Women's Bible Study at church. We have been studying the book of Colossians lately and Monday's study was on where to go for wisdom. I didn't know on Monday how much the study was going to apply to my life this week. : )

One of the questions that the study we are using asked was, "Why would God allow us to come to the end of our understanding?" The answer that I wrote on my study was that running out of our own understanding sends us to Him, and He is our greatest need! Running out of our own understanding removes the delusion of self-sufficiency. Self-sufficiency is a dangerous and a deceptive place to be.

My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.
- Colossians 2:2-3

Oh the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgements and His ways past finding out.
- Romans 11:33

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. - James 1:5

Not The News We Wanted to Get Today

2008-02-27T15:11:00.002-07:00

We did get our phone call from Acres of Hope today, but it wasn't to tell us our case was finalized in the Liberian courts. Instead, it was to tell us that we aren't going to be able to adopt JJ at all.

JJ's father returned to the orphanage and removed him from the program. He was under a lot of pressure from his family, especially his sister, to not go through with the adoption. One of the staff members from AOH visited with the family and explained that this case was at the final stages in the courts, and that our family has been preparing for JJ to be a part of our family, but their minds were made up.

In the beginning, we were told that JJ's father was injured during the war and lost his leg. Being disabled, he had been unable to provide for his son, so he and JJ's mother came together to relinquish him to the orphanage for adoption. I thought that since both parents were together and in agreement to the adoption, that we were safe from this happening again. I've been worried that the anti-adoption propaganda floating around Liberia might cause problems. I'm not sure if that was the case here, but I think it might be. I pray that they will be able to take care of him. Hopefully, the extended family that was so against the adoption will be able to help care for him.

Karissa, my wise beyond her years little girl, listened to me tell her that JJ would not be able to be a part of our family. She gave me a back rub and said, "Mommy, all of the things that have gone wrong for our adoptions aren't bad things."

I asked her what she meant, and she said, "They are good things because now they don't have to leave their families."

I know that this news will be frustrating to our friends and family members who care so much about us. I don't have a lot of answers to the questions I'm sure you have. When Rachel called today, she was in tears right along with me, and was just as frustrated that this could happen to us again.

I'm not sure I understand exactly how things work, but I think the children in the orphanage are wards of the state. The orphanage provides shelter and helps to facilitate the adoption, but they are like foster parents, and are accountable to the Ministry of Health. I don't know if they have the authority to not return a child when the birth family comes back, even if they have gone through the relinquishment process. I think they see themselves as a humanitarian organization and can't keep a child that parents want back regardless of where we are at in the process.
At least, I think this is how it is.

I do know that the staff meets with the adults bringing the children to the orphanage three times before they allow them to leave them at the orphanage. They explain what adoption means and make sure they understand and have time to think about it before they will take the children in. Then they do all the relinquishment paperwork ahead of time, and then they give the referral and start the process. These precautions don't keep lost referrals from happening, though. I don't know how to fix the problem. I guess it is just the risk you have to be willing to take. I don't want to adopt a child that a family wants to raise themselves. I just want a child who needs us to be his family.

Pat and I aren't sure what we want to do next. If we accept a new referral, it will take approximately 6 months for this new adoption process to be complete and that puts us right at my due date for the baby. If we continue, we will have to update our immigration fingerprints and documentation and our homestudy, because these will expire soon. Please pray for us to have discernment about where to go from here.

Works for Me Wednesday

2008-02-27T08:31:00.008-07:00

For Works for Me Wednesday today I wanted to share these great banks we found for teaching our 5 and 6 year-old-daughters how to manage money. They earn five quarters on Saturday after completing their assigned jobs for the week. These banks are sturdy, cute, and perfect for teaching them the financial values that we have as a family.

Here's a picture of the banks and a link to where to find them: (You can find them other places, but this was the best value that we could find) http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=502702&event=CFN

http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=502702&event=CFN

The banks are transparent and have three separate compartments. This is nice for seeing how much is in each category at a glance. The money slots are in each of the three roof lines of the bank, store, and church. The money is removed from the bottom of each compartment.

I've been thankful for different resources to teach our kids how to deal with money. I recently watched an Oprah episode that broke my heart. She interviewed the director and a homeless man that were part of a documentary where the homeless man was given $100,000 cash as a social experiment. The cameras followed him and documented what he did with the money. The man blew all the $100,000 because he didn't know how to manage it. He also was taken advantage of by people, betrayed by friends, and married a woman who left him as soon as the money was gone. He had thought that it was a never ending amount of money and that it would solve all of his problems. He ended up right back where he started, but now he was also disheartened, and ashamed. It was awful. The show left me with a desire to make sure that my children grow up knowing how to be good stewards and managers of the finances God blesses them with. It also left me heartbroken for a man who realized the emptiness of wealth. He needed Jesus to heal his heart, not $100,000 cash. It was a heart wrenching show to watch, and I want a different reality for my kids.

Stop by Rocks in My Dryer for more Works for Me Wednesday Tips.

A Sweet Birthday

2008-02-26T16:54:00.002-07:00

Thank you so much for all of the happy birthday wishes. With all of the other things going on, my birthday snuck up on me. I didn't really have any expectations for it, but the whole weekend ended up being a celebration and a sweet reminder of all of my blessings.

Friday night, I went to a women's event at my friend Marisa's church. The speaker spoke on godly girlfriend relationships and how important they are. I left the event that evening so grateful for my friends. I plan on dedicating a future blog post to how much I enjoyed that evening.

Saturday began with family breakfast, and then Pat took the girls out so I could have the afternoon to myself. My friends, Jennifer and Marisa, and I went out to coffee and the dollar theater to watch Enchanted. I know you are asking yourself, "Isn't that a Disney kids' movie?" No, no....it is a family movie (at least that is how we justified it). We are all just romantic at heart and thoroughly enjoyed the fairy tale. We have the greatest dollar theater here. Tickets are $3.50 and that price includes your admission to the show and two food items of your choice. I always get their caramel corn and something to drink. It is a great deal and a fun theater.

We went to the Saturday night service at church, and then over to Daiquiri's house to "hang out" after church. Hanging out ended up being a surprise birthday party for me. I was so blessed. The whole night made me feel so special.

Monday, my actual birthday was great, too. I guess the judge in Liberia didn't get the memo that he was supposed to finalize our adoption for my birthday present. Despite the judge not coming through for me, there were little things that made it such a special day. Monday morning, my sleepy little four-year-old woke up remembering that it was Mommy's birthday. My mom and dad called and serenaded me, and my nephews left me the sweetest message on the answering machine. My friends and family sent cards. We went out to dinner at Olive Garden, and I got to spend Monday evening at the mall ALL BY MYSELF!!! It was great day. For a short time, I forgot that I'm getting old! : )

A few of you have asked how my doctor visit went today. I actually canceled that appointment for today. My doctor was just going to listen to the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler, and now that we have our own, I decided to just wait until the ultrasound on March 11th before I go in again. Thanks for remembering and checking in on me! Cutie Pie or Monster Truck is doing very well, and I'm grateful. My final birthday gift was to hear a 164 beats per minute right before I drifted off to sleep Monday night.

Pat's Passport Has Arrived!

2008-02-23T17:13:00.003-07:00

Pat is preparing for his trip to Liberia. He will be getting his immunizations next week, and his passport came yesterday! I'm so thankful for how quickly it got here. I worried about not paying the expediting fee, but now I'm glad we saved the money.

It is beginning to feel like this might really happen. : )

Monday is my birthday. Don't you think a phone call from Acres of Hope telling us that we are finalized would be a nice gift?

I Have a Confession to Make

2008-02-20T18:43:00.004-07:00

OK....I have a confession to make.

I love American Idol. : )

I don't just watch it. I even call in and vote. : ) (Um, like 20 - 30 times - blush - Redial comes in really handy.)

And....

It starts in 16 minutes. Gotta Go.

Fess up....you're watching it, too. (Right, Missy?)

2008-02-20T10:30:00.002-07:00

Adoption News:
Being the ultra patient person that I am (ha ha), I emailed Rachel at AOH to ask her about how things were going with the finalization. On February 6th, they were estimating that 15 children would be finalized in the Liberian courts within two weeks, but I hadn't heard of any being done. She said that because of all of the "excitement" over the last few weeks and the possibility of adoptions being shut down by the Embassy, the judge overseeing our cases decided to wait and see what would happen.

The Liberian staff is guessing that at least half of those cases will be done by Friday, Monday, or Tuesday. Unfortunately, there is no way to know if we will be in the first half, because the judge doesn't seem to be concerned with working chronologically. I do know that we are one of the 15 though, and I hope that by early next week, JJ will be officially our son according to the Liberian courts.

These would be the next steps after finalization:
1. Get JJ's passport

2. Schedule a birth family interview at the Embassy. During this interview, the living relatives of the child go to the Embassy to be interviewed by the consular. During that interview, she decides if she believes that these people are truly the birth family. She also makes sure they understand the concept and permanency of adoption. Sometimes she requires a DNA test to prove that they are related to the child. This adds 6-8 weeks to the process and longer if the DNA results are negative. Other times, she is fully convinced that they are the birthfamily, and the interview is successful. In some cases, these birthfamily interviews have not been successful. It is a really scary last step of the process.

(One family this week had an unsuccessful interview. If I understand it correctly, the birth mother is dead and nobody knows where the birthfather is. They were told that if they can't locate the father, the adoption is off. They have been waiting over a year, and Julie has already been to Liberia to meet their little boy, Teddy. It is devastating news. Please pray for the Redman family.)

3. If our interview is successful, than Pat will fly to Liberia and have an appointment at the Embassy to get JJ's visa and then bring him home. : )

My new hope is to have him home before the end of April. We'll see : ) I don't mind having him home sooner, though, Lord. : )

Baby News:

This has been a rough week for me. It is the 13th week of my pregnancy and that is one of my scary anniversaries. My first two pregnancies with Karissa and Amy were perfect and free of complications. As we tried for our third child, we had four pregnancy losses in a row. The first loss was at five months, the second was an early miscarriage at 6 weeks, and the last two losses happened at 13 weeks. Other than the early miscarriage, the other three had no warning or explanation. Everything seemed great until we tried to find a heartbeat. That is why every heartbeat that we are able to hear is such a blessing to me. There is no sweeter sound. : )

For the last three weeks, I have thought that I've been able to feel the baby move. I've doubted myself because all of the pregnancy literature says that you shouldn't be able to feel the baby move before 14 weeks. But I knew that this feeling was unique to pregnancy, and it was a comfort to me even if it wasn't the actual baby moving.

Then over this last week, I haven't been able to feel that movement any more. It added to my stress and fear. Yesterday morning, though, I had a great prayer time and as I said, "Amen," I could feel the baby again. It was such a gift.

Later yesterday afternoon, the Doppler that Pat bought me for my birthday arrived, and the whole family gathered around to hear Baby's heartbeat. Pat tried to find it in the same location that the doctor has been finding it for me, but all we could hear was my heartbeat. I started getting nervous. Karissa kept asking, "Why can't we hear it?" I think she was nervous, too. Finally, Pat said, "Where did you feel the baby moving?" I pointed to the spot, he put the Doppler on it, and there it was, 170 beats per minute!

It was such a gift to me to have confirmation that the movement I was feeling really was the baby. A huge weight fell off my shoulders and of course I teared up. Pat said that if it was going to make me cry, he was sending it back. : )

I am so thankful to have this now. I don't want to listen too often, but whenever the fear roles in, it will be so nice to have the reassurance.

It is the 13th week and we still have a heartbeat!!!! Praise God!

Houston.....We Have a Heartbeat! : )

2008-02-12T14:18:00.000-07:00

My doctor visit went very well today. We were able to immediately hear Baby's (a.k.a. Monster Truck or Cutie Pie) heartbeat. I felt lighthearted and peaceful this morning, but I started to feel the tension and apprehension moving in as we neared the office. Pat and I prayed together in the parking lot before we went in, and God blessed us with great news.

Pat just ordered our own Stork Radio Doppler. It should arrive any day now, and I'm so excited to have it. It will be so nice to be able to listen to Baby's heartbeat any time I need reassurance. I think it will be neat for the girls, too. It can't get here soon enough. : )

We are scheduled for another check-up on Feb. 26th, the day after my birthday, so I'm asking for another great visit as a birthday present. We also scheduled an ultrasound for March 11th. I'm really looking forward to the ultrasound. In the past, we have had this ultrasound at 20 weeks, but this time we will be looking at 16 weeks because my doctor wants to take a look at the baby's heart and this is the earliest that he can get a good peak. I think he bumped it up to make me happy, too. I'm a little impatient. : ) We may be able to see the sex of the baby at that time, but most likely, we'll have to settle the Monster Truck, Cutie Pie debate at a later ultrasound.

Still no adoption news, but on Feb. 6th the Acres of Hope website said they were hoping to see 15 cases finalized in the Liberian courts over the next two weeks. We are one of those 15 cases, and this is the second week, so hopefully I'll be able to post that we are through the Liberian courts some day soon!

Thank you for loving me and praying for me. Your prayers are felt!

Looking Back

2008-02-09T11:34:00.000-07:00

(Today's thoughts were inspired by this post.)

There has been so much to be afraid of lately.

Anti-adoption propaganda has been showing up in Liberian newspapers, and unfortunately many people have believed the lies. One of the Acres of Hope families lost their referral this week because the birth mother believed the stories of child trafficking and removed her kids from the program.

All week last week there was a looming threat that the US Embassy in Liberia might put a hold on adoptions. Thankfully, that did not happen, but it was a tense and stressful week of wondering.

I'm 12 weeks pregnant this week, and my last two miscarriages happened at 13 weeks. This nagging voice of doubt keeps taunting me, "Is this your last week? Will Tuesday's doctor visit bring bad news?"

I've dealt with fear of inadequacy as a mother. Fears that I'm not doing enough and not being enough. Fear, fear, fear.

In the midst of it all, God has been calling me to a deeper level of trust. I had some amazing quiet times of prayer this week that have left me with a longing for that complete abandon, surrender, and sincere trust in Him that is so trustWORTHY.

Fear keeps threatening to take over, but peace keeps responding, "BE STILL!"

My friend and I were talking about how to trust God. We're told all the time, "Trust Him," yet rarely told how. During that conversation, I was having a hard time articulating what I was thinking, but I came home and read this. The author put into words what I was trying to say.

The ability to trust comes from looking backward. As I look backward, I see the memorial stones of past evidence of God's provision and grace in my life. When I look backwards, I see the countless blessings, the many, many times that Jesus carried me through storms, the joys, the memories, the love, and His constant presence. He has been my best friends since early childhood.

It's so strange too, that coming out of this season of loss, of all of the miscarriages, I've come out of it trusting Him more, not less. I survived. I was comforted. I felt His comfort in a way that I had never felt it before, and I was given renewed hope for the future.

So today facing an uncertain future, an unpredictable adoption process, a scary pregnancy anniversary, and all of the everyday things that make me wonder if I will ever be enough, I look backward first and see the One in which I trust.

Here's an oldie but a goodie:

Footprints

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Scenes from his life flashed across the sky and he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life had flashed before him, he recalled that at the lowest and saddest times of his life there was only one set of footprints.

Dismayed, he asked, "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. I don't understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious child. I love you and I would never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffering when you saw only one set of footprints...

That was when I carried you."

Want to Win Something Cool?

2008-02-07T09:57:00.000-07:00

I love blog giveaways. : ) I even won one in December. My new e-friend, Lelia, gave me over $100 worth of cosmetics from her BeautiControl Business. It was so fun to receive my package in the mail the other day. Thank you, Lelia!

By now, my good friend, Daiquiri, has become legendary on this blog. : ) She has just opened an online photography business, and in honor of her grand opening, she is hosting a giveaway. The winner will receive one of her photographs, any size print you choose. I already have one of her prints framed and hanging on my bedroom wall, but I'm still hoping to win another one. : )

If you'd like a shot at winning, stop by her blog, Call Her Blessed, and join in on the fun.

Faith

2008-02-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

"NOW FAITH is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses]" Hebrews 11:1 (Amplified).

Faith is not simply saying that what God says is true; true faith is acting on what God says because it is true. Faith is not so much in believing in spite of evidence, but obeying in spite of consequences.

(I wish I could give credit to who said this. It was a sermon note that my good friend, Rochelle, had written in her Bible, and she's forgotten who said it.)

False Allegations

2008-02-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to clarify that Addy's Hope, the agency that came under scrutiny in the situation in Liberia this week, did not take the 10 children out of Liberia illegally. There were false accusations made against this agency. They responded to those accusations on their website. You can read it here.

I have made connections with many people in the adoption world who are adopting through Addy's Hope, and they love and trust their agency.

Not So Bad

2008-02-01T15:37:00.000-07:00

Phew....This was a long day of wondering what the announcement would be today from the embassy, and at least for now, the news wasn't so bad. I think this situation needs to continue to be covered in prayer. AOH did a great job of explaining it, so I'll just post the response the put on their website this afternoon:

Many rumors involving alleged child trafficking and illegal international adoptions in Liberia have been flying over the past few days. It has also been reported that a “hold” has been or will be placed on all adopted children leaving the country. Indeed, ten international adoption cases came under the scrutiny of the Liberian government some days ago. Some of these children left the country before the investigations were concluded and this raised alarm. First of all, we want to assure you that Acres of Hope Liberia is not involved in these cases, nor any illegal or unethical practices, nor have we been accused of such. Furthermore, no “hold” or moratorium has been placed on adopted children leaving the country.
When AOH/AOHL staff heard of the possible difficulties in obtaining visas and getting our children home with their adoptive families, we asked the impending travelers to please hold their plans until we got confirmation of any action to be taken by the Liberian or US governments. In fact, the staff of AOHL has been working tirelessly to work through the issues raised by this upheaval and to advocate for the children and families in the AOHL adoption program. Patty (Executive Director) and Eric (Country Director) have been at the Capital building today, meeting with many Liberian government officials. They feel encouraged by these discussions. In fact, many of the legislators are strongly pro-adoption and were happy to unite with AOHL for the future of the children.
Currently, we have one family in Liberia right now to pick up their children. Although they were told yesterday that no visas would be issued until this was cleared up, the visas were granted today. This is a good sign and, coupled with the conversations with the legislators, leads us to move forward as normal and we have given the go-ahead to the families with visa appointments next week.
While we are not out of the woods yet, we feel positive and encouraged. We will keep you updated if changes occur.
Finally, we have also caught wind of a rumor that families will be required to stay in Liberia for three weeks when picking up their children. Acres of Hope Liberia has been given no such direction and we advise that families preparing to travel soon plan a one-week stay.

I also wanted to thank you for praying for my friends, Kim and Dale. There was good news posted on their blog this afternoon. They are going to continue to Liberia and get their son. Thank you for praying for them. You can visit their blog here to follow their journey. They have got to be so exhausted and drained. This has been an amazing roller-coaster week for them. Please continue to pray for them.

For now, I'm feeling cautiously optimistic again. : ) I'm really thankful that the director of AOH was in Liberia to deal with all of this firsthand.

I Should Have Stayed Cautious

2008-01-31T21:47:00.000-07:00

As soon as I finished the last post, I went to visit the blog of my friends, The Basten Family. Dale and Kim were on their way to Liberia today to get their adopted children, when they were contacted by Acres of Hope and told to go home instead of finishing their flights to Liberia.

I don't know why they were told to do this, but the blog post mentioned that their will be an announcement made tomorrow by the US Embassy that will affect all adoptions and all agencies in Liberia. I've also just learned that all families will be required to stay in country for three weeks.

I have no idea how this will affect our adoption, but it has definitely taken the excited part out of my last post.

Also, my heart is breaking for my friends, Dale and Kim. They have been such a support to me through this whole adoption journey. Please pray for this sweet couple as they head home. I can't imagine how they are feeling. Please pray for peace for them. Please pray for international adoption in general. It seems to be under attack everywhere. Please pray that the Basten's kids and our JJ will be home soon and not caught in some bureaucratic mess.

I got to be excited for an hour anyway.

A Change of Plans- I'm So Excited!

2008-01-31T15:39:00.000-07:00

Pat and I made a decision today about our adoption. Instead of having JJ escorted home, Pat is going to travel to Liberia to get him! I'm so excited about this decision.

In the beginning of the process, we felt like escorting was the best option for our family, but now we've changed our minds. I really feel like this will be easier for JJ's transition to our family. It comforts me to know that Pat will be with him through leaving all that is familiar to him.

Also, by going to get him ourselves, we will be able to speed up the process. Rachel was guessing that if we are finalized soon, and Pat travels, we could have an embassy appointment as early as the end of Feb./beginning of March, instead of waiting until the end of April to bring him home. When you travel, you just do the I-600 paperwork there in Monrovia, unlike escorting where you wait for it to be processed through our local immigration, then New Hampshire office, and then on to Monrovia.

I'm trying not to get too excited. Nothing in this process is predictable or guaranteed. Many people have gotten to the end of the process to have the consular require a DNA test that adds about 6-8 weeks on to the process. Please pray that this will not be the case for us. Also please pray for my friends, the Basten family, who just got the news today that they are going to have to do the DNA testing. They are already on their way to Africa, so this was quite a blow. It is the news we all are dreading at the end.

Also, please pray that Pat will be able to be travel ready quickly. I regret it now, but neither one of us have passports. He will need to get one ASAP. They are taking about 4-6 weeks to get, or you can pay the $60 fee to expedite it to 2-3 weeks, which is what I think we will be doing.

Did I say I'M SO EXCITED yet? Oh, yeah, that's supposed to be cautiously excited. Yeah, right!

Updates on JJ and Baby

2008-01-30T17:05:00.000-07:00

Adoption News:

Just recently, we had a sweet offer from another adopting family that is traveling to Liberia next month, to escort JJ home for us. I was excited about the prospect and contacted AOH to see if it could be a possibility, but unfortunately it won't be.

Even though we are expecting our adoption to be finalized any day now (can't wait for that phone call!), there wouldn't be enough time to file the I-600 paperwork with US Immigration. I guess it is taking USCIS 2 months to process this paperwork, and we can't submit it until our adoption is finalized. Unfortunately, the pre-visa interview I was hoping had happened last summer, didn't happen, so we need to get his visa, too. We can apply for that while the I-600 is being processed. So, I think, as soon as we hear that we are finalized, we are looking at about two months from that point until JJ comes home. Rachel at AOH thought it was reasonable to estimate he'd be home by April. I'd love to have it sooner, but it feels so good to have an approximate "due date." That would give us 4 - 5 months of bonding time before "Cutie Pie" or "Monster Truck" arrives.

Baby News:
I had my OB appointment this morning, and we were able to hear a healthy, strong heartbeat on the Doppler. Thank you, Lord! I'm 10 1/2 weeks along today.

It was a very emotional visit for me. I surprised myself with how much tension had built up inside of me anticipating this appointment. I told the nurse that I couldn't wait to get this over with and then burst into tears. I couldn't stop crying. Thankfully, I got myself together before the doctor came in the room. It took awhile to find the heartbeat, but once we did, it was loud and clear and music to my ears.

I was so relieved and so drained of all energy. I've been pretty useless today. Other than baking oatmeal cookies and then eating way too many of them, I've done nothing today.

I want so much to be able to rest in the Lord and trust Him with this pregnancy. On so many levels I am trusting and so hopeful, but there is a deep place inside of me that is trying to self-protect and prepare myself.

I don't think I'm the only one. Last night as I was tucking in my oldest daughter, she asked me, "Mommy, was it the second doctor appointment when our other babies died?" We talked about it, and I was able to reassure her, but I can tell she is trying to process it all, too.

I need to spend some good prayer time with the Lord, asking Him to teach me how to rest, how to trust, and asking Him to give me what I need to do that. After four in a row, I've been conditioned for loss. I need His help to overcome that deep down place that I haven't been able to give to Him yet. I'm so thankful that He is faithful, gracious, and patient. I know He'll answer that prayer for me and give me what I need to make it through the next few months.

This has become a theme verse for me lately:
Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief! -Mark 9:24

Our last two losses happened at 13 weeks. My next two appointments will be at 12 weeks and 14 weeks. We'll just skip the scary week! : )

Thank you all so much for your prayers. They are my lifeline and an amazing gift. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the number of people who are caring so much for us and lifting us in prayer. It is one of the many blessings of being a Christian- the support system and love of people who share Jesus with us. I love you all. : )

Puzzle Storage

2008-01-29T21:40:00.000-07:00

For awhile now, I have been enjoying the Works for me Wednesday blog bazaar hosted at "Rocks in my Dryer" and this week I decided to join in the fun.

My WFMW tip is about puzzle storage. My kids have enjoyed puzzles in the past, but the puzzle boxes almost made me give up on puzzles. The cardboard boxes they come in always fall apart, take up so much room in our closet, and lend themselves to losing pieces. Once pieces are missing, my kids lose interest.

Here are two new solutions that are REALLY working for us. The girls have enjoyed their puzzles so much lately, and we haven't lost a single piece in so long. The greatest benefit for me is the reduced space it takes up to store them.

The first solution was using a plastic pencil box in place of the cardboard box the puzzle came in.

I cut the picture from the old puzzle box and put it and the pieces in the pencil box. On the top of the pencil case, I use a Sharpie pen to write the name of the puzzle and how many pieces are inside. The girls like having the cardboard "card" to look at as they are putting the puzzle together. The pencil case is sturdy and smaller/sleeker than storing the old cardboard boxes.

I only had one pencil box in the house, so I decided to use Ziploc bags as temporary storage. The thing is they are working so well, I'm not sure I need to invest in the pencil cases. I just do the same thing: Cut out the picture from the original box and put it along with the pieces inside the Ziploc. I label the bags with the Sharpie pen and voila.....Puzzle storage that takes up even less space in my closet. It's easy for the kids to grab and easy for them to pick up. We're all happy and doing puzzles again. : )

Prayer Request

2008-01-29T15:21:00.000-07:00

I don't have any new adoption news to share. I'm still hoping for the phone to ring to tell us JJ's adoption is finalized in Liberia. I'm also still hoping that the pre-visa interview happened last summer, but I haven't heard back on that question yet.

For pregnancy news, I have another OB appointment tomorrow morning. I would really appreciate prayers for peace, no fear, and for Baby to have a good, strong, healthy heartbeat.

Thank you!

I also wanted to mention that I have been terrible at returning emails lately. I'm so sorry and trying to get caught up. Please forgive me if you've emailed lately and are still waiting for me to answer.

Menu Plan Monday

2008-01-27T09:17:00.000-07:00

This is my first time participating in Menu Plan Monday from I'm An Organizing Junkie website. Coming up with new ideas for dinner is always tough for me, so I'm excited to be able to check out everyone's ideas for the week. Thanks, Laura, for hosting the fun.

Monday:

DJ's Soup (One of the ladies in my bible study gave me a homemade soup starter for Christmas. I just have to add the veggies.)

Jiffy Corn Bread Muffins

Tuesday:

Crockpot Roast

Potatoes

Carrots

Wednesday:

Enchiladas (I follow the directions on the back of the sauce can. SUPER EASY and fast)

Salad

Thursday:

I'm ashamed to admit it, but its homegroup night and we have to hurry, so for ease and speed we will be eating tuna helper. (Don't tell my mom)

Steamed Broccoli

Friday:

Girls only for dinner tonight. Movie Night! My daughters and I will be having open faced cheese sandwhiches (sprinkled with Johnny's seasoning salt and melted under the broiler) and our favorite tomato soup: Pacific Organic Creamy Tomato Soup. I get it at our grocery store and it tastes sooooo, sooooo much better than the canned stuff. Does the Organic part make up for feeding my kids tuna helper the night before? : )

Saturday:

Split Pea Soup in crockpot

Homemade Bran Blueberry Muffins

(Recipe posted below)

Sunday:

Going to a Super Bowl Party- Yippee don't have to plan dinner

My favorite bran muffin recipe:

My good friend, Daiquiri, just posted her favorite bran muffin recipe, so I thought I'd share mine. I learned from her to mix blueberries into the batter. The girls and I LOVE the blueberry muffins, but DH still prefers raisins. Either way, these are awesome and freeze beautifully.

I make a quadruple batch and freeze the muffins in freezer bags. (A quadruple batch allows me to use up the whole quart of buttermilk and not have any leftover and stocks our freezer for awhile) We microwave them for about 40 seconds each, and they taste just as good as fresh. It is nice to have a freezer full of muffins. They make great breakfasts, snacks, or sides for dinner.

INGREDIENTS:
· 1 1/2 cups wheat bran
· 1 cup buttermilk
· 1/3 cup vegetable oil
· 1 egg
· 2/3 cup brown sugar
· 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
· 1 cup all-purpose flour (I use Whole Wheat)
· 1 teaspoon baking soda
· 1 teaspoon baking powder
· 1/2 teaspoon salt
· 1/2 cup raisins (or thawed blueberries- blot berries with paper towels to remove moisture and do not add extra liquid)

DIRECTIONS:
1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Grease muffin cups or line with paper muffin liners.
2. Mix together wheat bran and buttermilk; let stand for 10 minutes.
3. Beat together oil, egg, sugar and vanilla and add to buttermilk/bran mixture. Sift together flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt. Stir flour mixture into buttermilk mixture, until just blended. Fold in raisins and spoon batter into prepared muffin tins.
4. Bake for 15 to 20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of a muffin comes out clean. Cool and enjoy!

Another Friend Joins the Blogging World

2008-01-23T20:26:00.000-07:00

I wanted to invite you all to stop by my friend, Jen's, new blog, "Hilty Sprouts." You can click here to get there. You other bloggers now how important comments are, so let her know you stopped by. : )

I think this will be a fun journey to follow. Joel is a genius with plants. He truly has a gift, and I can't wait to see what he is able to do with this land. : )

Re-Reading Our Orphan Report

2008-01-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

I have been reading and re-reading our orphan report a lot lately. It makes me feel close to JJ. He sounds like such a special little boy. I'm really grateful that God is the one who chose him for us. I believed from the very beginning that God would hand-select the little boy that was meant to be our son.

After we lost the referral for Benjamin, I had a hard time letting go. I didn't want to allow myself to attach to JJ until I knew he was here. It is getting more and more difficult to remain unattached. This little one has my heart and I can't wait to get him home.

Click here if you'd like to read my original posting of the orphan report. I think you'll agree that we have been blessed with a special, happy little boy.

Parenting is Hard

2008-01-22T21:28:00.000-07:00

Parenting can be so hard. I have two precious daughters, but there were some irritating behavioral issues that we dealt with today, and by bedtime I had had enough.

I lost my temper with my oldest and then had my heart broken as she crawled into bed sniffling because I had talked to her in a "mean voice." It was a yucky way to the end the day.

It is so frustrating that it almost always happens at the end of the day. I can have a wonderful day and feel like supermom and then lose my cool and patience in that last stretch of the day. That last half hour of getting the kids to bed is the worst.

I remember my mom telling me that she would often pray for my brother and me, "Lord, you raise them because I don't know what I'm doing."

I feel like that so often. I want so much to do it "right." I'm so thankful that I can run to God and say, "Help. You have to do this because I don't know what I'm doing," and He will.

I love being a mom. It is also the role in my life where I can feel the most insecure. I am so thankful that Jesus covers where I fail. : ) And I'm thankful that He gave me such good kids.

Did the Pre-Visa Interview Happen?

2008-01-21T16:20:00.001-07:00

Last summer when we were given our new referral, the consular at the US Embassy was conducting pre-visa interviews. The birth families would meet with the consular at the beginning of the process, and she would determine that they were truly the birth family, and that they were fully aware of the meaning of adoption.

These interviews were great while they lasted because the prevented the heartbreak of getting to the end of the process just to find you were denied a visa. The consular only conducted these interviews for a short window of time, and then stopped doing them because they were too time consuming for her limited staff.

In our case, we were told that this interview was scheduled in September, but then with the transition of staff with our agency, it was never confirmed whether or not this pre-visa interview actually happened or not.

It would be a miracle for us if it did. We hope to be finalized in the Liberian courts this month, and passports are only taking about a week to obtain. The big hang-up for us is obtaining the visa for JJ, and this process appears to be slightly bottle necked, if I'm understanding the situation correctly. If getting the visa was all of a sudden a non-issue, it is possible that JJ could be home very soon.

I don't want to give the impression that we are close to being done, but I really don't know. Acres of Hope is looking into this for me and hopefully, we'll know soon whether or not that step was taken last summer. I'm not counting on it, but it sure would be wonderful if it has happened already. Will you pray for us? Thanks. : )

Fun in the Snow This Morning

2008-01-20T11:01:00.000-07:00

We woke up to a winter wonderland this morning. The girls didn't waste much time getting their snow gear on and heading out the back door to our friends' great snow hill.

Snow Day

2008-01-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

Snow Day

2008-01-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

Who Needs A Sledding Hill?

2008-01-20T10:51:00.000-07:00

Ben shows us that you don't need a sledding hill if you have a shovel and a slide. : )

Amy Gives It A Try

2008-01-20T10:49:00.000-07:00

Proud Big Sissy

2008-01-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

Karissa was so proud to have Amy go to school with her.

My Little "BIG" Girl

2008-01-20T10:40:00.000-07:00

I volunteered in K's Kindergarten class this past week and Amy got to go with me. She was so excited about going to school. She even packed a backpack. When she saw these pictures this morning, she said, "I look like a teenaguh" : )

All Is Well With Baby But Mommy's Got the Blues

2008-01-17T19:39:00.000-07:00

We had our ultrasound today and all is well with Little Peanut. (a.k.a Cutie Pie and Monster Truck) Thank you, Lord!

We love our OB and want him to be our doctor, but walking into his office feels like walking to the guillotine. There are just so many painful memories in that place for me. It was a HUGE relief to walk out happy.

The baby measured 8 1/2 weeks.....a little farther than I thought we were. That was a good feeling. I found out that I was pregnant so early, it feels like I've been pregnant FOREVER already, and I can't wait until I can legitimately just give in and wear maternity clothes instead of trying to squeeze into the last two pairs of pants that fit. How can the baby only be the size of a grape, but all my clothes are already too small? I guess the 30 lbs I've gained from adoption stress doesn't help the situation. : )

When Karissa got off the school bus today, she came running up to me and said, "Hi,, Mommy! Is our baby still alive?" I laughed, teared up, and reassured her that our baby was still alive. We all are longing for this baby very much. We'll just have to take it one appointment at a time. Our next one is January 30th.

I'm a little blue tonight. I built this appointment up so much, and now I don't know what to do with myself now that it is over. I guess I just need to go to bed and get some sleep.

I've been stalling going to bed because there is a writing contest sponsored by Proverbs 31 Ministries that I so wanted to enter. The deadline is tomorrow morning, and I'm not going to make it. I'm just so drained from the emotions of today and got hit with a terrible case of writer's block. I prayed a lot about the opportunity because I do have a desire to write, but I kept trying to force the writing out without inspiration. I think watching this opportunity pass me by has added to the blues. I need to continue to trust God with my dreams and wait for His perfect timing.

Goodnight!

Cutie Pie and Monster Truck

2008-01-14T17:43:00.000-07:00

At dinner tonight, my girls were debating whether or not our baby is a girl or a boy. I have been calling our little one, Baby, but Amy said, "You mean Cutie Pie. That's what I call her."

Karissa, who insists that the baby is a boy, said, "Well, I call him Monster Truck!" Needless to say, we all had a laugh over that one!

We'll have to wait until March to see which girl is right. Will it be Cutie Pie or Monster Truck? : )

Tidbits

2008-01-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

Adoption News:

Rachel emailed me from Acres of Hope. The Liberian staff is hoping to have JJ's case finalized in Liberian courts this month! It was so encouraging to have news. Rachel warned me that there are several cases needing to make it through this month, so we'll have to take a wait and see approach. I'm just thankful to know where we are at in the process. After finalization, we have three final steps:

1. Apply for and recieve JJ's passport to leave Liberia and travel internationally.

2. Apply for and recieve JJ's visa, giving him permission to enter the U.S.

3. Have him escorted HOME!!!!

Unfortunately, it is still impossible to predict how long these steps will take, but I'm hopeful. : )

Baby News:

My first ultrasound will be this Thursday at 8:30 AM. I hope to have an ultrasound photo to post on Thursday of our little Peanut.

My Big Kids:

Karissa has taken off with her reading. I can not express how much fun Pat and I are having watching her reading. It amazes me that our little girl, who came to us as a blank slate, learned to do that! Her favorite books to read right now are the Step Into Reading Books (especially the Disney Princess ones). They are leveled Steps 1-5. She's reading the Level 2 Books pretty well right now. Instead of reading her a bedtime story tonight, she read to me!

This was my bedtime story tonight. She bought it with her Barnes and Noble giftcard from Grandma and Grandpa Morton- Thanks Joe and Nancy!

I have used the Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons book for both of my girls.

Amy (4) loves to do her reading lessons with me and is 1/4 of the way through the book. The lessons are completely scripted and take less than 15 minutes. I was very inconsistent with Karissa. We started the book when she was four, right in the middle of my season of miscarriages, and it got pushed aside. The thirty lessons or so we were able to do gave her a great foundation for doing a lot of self-teaching after that. The teacher in me is having so much fun with this! : )

We are also having a blast with the Fancy Nancy books. If you have a preschool - early elementary aged little girl in your home, you've got to check out Fancy Nancy from the library. We did and ended up buying two from Barnes and Noble to own. (more Christmas giftcard from Grandma and Grandpa) : )

These are fun books, but I also am having fun reading the girls the Oz books as our bedtime stories. We are on the second book, and I've loved seeing how much they are enjoying the adventure and how good it has been for them to be exposed to higher level vocabulary. I like having balance in the books we read, so that not everything is simple sentence, picture books. There are some great classics that I'm excited to read aloud to the girls. Ok....enough teacher talk.

Have a good night, bloggy friends. : )

Happy First Birthday Blog!

2008-01-11T22:39:00.000-07:00

Today is my blog's first birthday! I posted my very first blog post on this day one year ago. Thanks to all of you who have been reading since the beginning.

You can click here to read my very first post: Our Journey Begins

Trying Not to Cry Over Spilled Milk

2008-01-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

Lovely spilled milk

Since I just read my comments from the last post, I realize that my faithful blog readers are demanding (and deserve) more consistent posts. So here you go, TWO posts in one day! How do you like them apples. : )

So, I thought I'd interrupt my life as supermom, to share with you a glimpse of the last two days and my shining achievements.

The Bus Cannot Be Here All Ready!

Am I the only mom on the planet that is incapable of getting her child to the bus on time every morning?, My dad used to accuse me of "being slower than a seven year itch," and I'm afraid slowness is still an issue for me. Unfortunately, I think my daughters have inherited it, also. I knew I was doomed yesterday morning when my neighbor and dear friend, Daiquiri, called to tell me the bus was already there and where was I? I think I just need to move to Liberia where nobody cares what time anything happens.

Adventures on the Way to Pick Up my Children From a Playdate:

Later yesterday afternoon, my girls were at a playdate for the first time, and I told the mom I'd pick them up at 3:00. Knowing my difficulty with getting anywhere on time, I left with plenty of time to pick them up. As soon as I got in the car and started to drive, I knew something was wrong. I felt dizzy and had a pain in my chest. I was having a hard time breathing and felt nauseous. I pulled over three times and then decided to go home and call the playdate mom. I didn't make it past Daiquiri's house before I had to pull over and knock on the door. I scared her to death, by saying, "I don't know what's wrong with me." She made me lay down on her couch with my feet up. I started getting all shaky. I went to the bathroom and threw up two times and miraculously came out of there feeling all better. What a great friend I have! We laughed about how gloriously pregnant I am, but of course I was late AGAIN picking the girls up and ruined the nap schedule for new playdate mom. Will I ever make it anywhere On Time....or dare I hope....EARLY??

Today's Issues With Milk:

Today, I was determined to regain supermom status, so I got Karissa to the bus just in the nick of time. Daiquiri admitted to wanting to call me to make sure I was on schedule, but held her born organized self back. After successfully getting my first born on the bus, I went home and got dinner in the crock pot, and spent all afternoon mopping my expansive kitchen floor. I get so frustrated with said kitchen floor. It is in constant need of sweeping and mopping. It never ends. I have been procrastinating mopping it forever during this messy winter weather, but found the motivation to conquer it today.

The crock pot meal I made for dinner had a final step to do 1/2 hour before serving....you had to put in the dumplings and add 3/4 cup of milk. Earlier today, Pat and I used up the last of the milk for his mocha and my pretend mocha (pregnancy safe caramel hot chocolate). I had to call Daiquiri to ask to borrow the 3/4 cup of milk. (Are you starting to get the picture that I could not live without Daiquiri?)

After Karissa went down the hill to borrow the milk, she walked in the door and spilled the milk all over the newly mopped kitchen floor. Then I had to send her down the hill to Daiquiri AGAIN to borrow our second 3/4 cup of milk. See what I mean? I'd be helpless without this woman. She sent Karissa back with the tupperware of milk strapped to her hand with rubber bands. : )

I finally got dinner ready and decided to make a batch of homemade biscuits. I have been craving them for days, and I knew I could not go one more day without fulfilling my NEED for them. Of course, all of you know where this story is going. I mixed up the batch of biscuits, fantasizing about the warm, fluffy, carb-loaded, wonderful things I was going to bite into in mere minutes. Guess what the last ingredient for biscuits is??? 2/3 CUPS OF YOU GUESSED IT!!!! MILK!!!! Oh brother!

Well, I guess I better run. Bible study starts in 5 minutes and I think I'm going to be late! : )

Oh No, Not Again!!!!! Template Header Problems!

2008-01-10T11:27:00.000-07:00

I can not believe that my header has disappeared again!!! JJ's picture has shrunk again. All I can see this morning is his mouth and a portion of my quote.

Missy, I think you are right. It must be time for a custom header. Actually, I think my blog has become somewhat boring. I think it is in need of a major make-over. I have been reading Jamie's blog from Fully Operational Battle Station and I've got blog envy. Her blog is so much more fun and exciting. Hmmmm.....I don't know how yet, but for my own sanity, I think this blog needs some major changes.

Our adoption story is so uneventful right now. Wait, wait, waiting, waiting some more, Oh yeah, waiting. Did I mention we are waiting? Then there is the no news, more no news, and did I mention no news? Um, then there is my typical response of "Not even sure where in the process we are." Sooooo.....if my news is boring, I better make the actual blog a little more exciting. :)

But part of the problem is that with pregnancy, I always become introspective and all my creativity goes out the window. Is there anything else happening in the world other than the miracle that is taking place in my womb? Is there anything else to think about or talk about? Hard to imagine. : ) I'll give this blog improvement a try though.....in between throwing up that is!

A Scare and Some Christmas Pics of My Blessings

2008-01-02T21:46:00.000-07:00

I read this wonderful quote on Mrs. MK's Musings tonight. (Which is one of my favorite blogs. I love her beautiful photography)

Wait on the Lord, wait quietly, wait trustingly. He holds every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year in His hands. Thank Him in advance for what the future holds, for He is already there. -Elisabeth Elliot

It was just what I needed tonight. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I noticed that I was spotting a little bit. I was so convinced that it meant the end of my pregnancy. My first instinct was to call my husband at work, but I felt like God was calling me to come to Him this time. I sobbed and prayed.

I didn't sleep much last night. This was what got me through the night:

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
-Psalm 121

Today, the spotting has stopped and I can't even write how relieved I am. I've learned that spotting is a really common thing for people who are using Lovenox injections during pregnancy. I am praying that it is nothing.

It may sound bizarre, but I am grateful for this scare. It shook me up and showed me how quietly and easily I had drifted from the Lord lately. I've been so distracted with this pregnancy, my excitement and fears, and the holidays. Last night I was broken and had to run to Him. This pregnancy more than ever, I am aware of how helpless I am and how much I need Him. It is all out of my control.

Tonight, I have been going through my Christmas pictures. These two melt my heart. I love my girls. :

Sorry I've Been A Bad Blogger

2008-01-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that I have been a bad blogger lately. We went out of town last week for the holidays, and my husband and I decided to leave our laptops behind. We really wanted to focus on the real live people in front of us and we both know our weakness for disappearing into virtual world. I think it was a good decision and helped me to re-evaluate how much time I spend online.

We had a great Christmas. I'll try to post some photos soon.

There isn't any new adoption news. We are still in the phase of waiting for our case to make it through the Liberian courts. After that, we will need to apply for and wait for JJ's passport and visa.

As I was reflecting on 2007, I was wondering what this year's legacy was. What will I remember about this year? All I could think of was adoption. It has been officially a year now, and I was surprised at how much the waiting consumed my year. This blog will turn one year old on January 11th. I'll have to celebrate. : )

Thank you so much for your prayers for me. I have moments of panic and fear, and have been really spiritually distracted, but for the most part, I feel peace, great hope, and a trust that I know is coming from outside of myself. It is a supernatural, stubborn peace that I know is the result of your prayers. Thank you.

I have started to really feel the pregnancy fatigue and sickness, but I love it. It reminds me of the miracle baby inside of me. I love being pregnant. It is such a gift to feel a part of something so miraculous and precious.

I do worry a lot about my selfishness and how much things are about to change. I want the change. I want both of my babies home. I'm just nervous about the change and how easy I have had it for so long. I'm afraid of not being enough for my kids, all four of them. I am scared, but so thankful for the promise of 1 Thessalonians 5:24 "The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it."

Longing for JJ

2007-12-20T20:59:00.001-07:00

With the news of this pregnancy, I have been longing for JJ to be home more than ever. I am thrilled about both babies joining our family, but I feel like I need some time with JJ before the new baby comes. Time to bond and for him to have my full attention before he has to share it.

I have had a few adoptive moms who have recently returned from Liberia tell me that they saw JJ while they were there and recognized him because he is so adorable and striking. I must say I agree and these comments (Katy and Amber....THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart) have warmed my heart and made me ache to have him home soon.

It is vague when his homecoming will be. I feel pessimistic about the timing without a miraculous intervention. But I believe wholeheartedly in miraculous interventions. I will wait on the Lord to see what He has planned.

I started my injections for the pregnancy yesterday. They aren't bad at all. It is so comforting to be doing something this time instead of just trying again. Ultimately, though, I know that everything is in His hands.

I am relying on scripture a lot to deal with anxiety. Psalm 139 is a good one:

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Well.....We Have Unexpected News : )

2007-12-18T09:53:00.001-07:00

(note added to original post at the bottom)

You know how the family photo on the right says, "Our family will soon be growing?" Well, it will be growing even more than we expected. : )

Two lines means pregnant right?

Many of you know our pregnancy history and can understand my fears. Please pray for us. This is wonderful news! I am so happy....yet so afraid. Please pray that I will have peace and joy and NO FEAR! God is good and in control. He is the giver of life and I trust Him.

We just found out, but we didn't want to keep it a secret because we know how much we need support and prayers. Thank you for loving us and praying for us. As Amy said yesterday, "Now JJ is going to be a big brother!"

I will be trying a new treatment this time around. I will be taking baby aspirin and giving myself daily injections of Lovenox, a blood thinner. The blood tests that we did never showed a cause for why the babies' hearts stopped beating, but my history is very similar to a clotting disorder, so we are hoping that this will be a helpful thing this time around. I'll keep you updated on our growing family!

Love you all.

Note added at 10 PM: Some of the comments mentioned that you were unfamiliar with my pregnancy history....so here it is: My first two pregnancies with Karissa and Amy in 2002 and 2003 were perfect and easy. When we tried for our third child, however, we lost four babies in a row. I was five months pregnant with our baby boy, David, when his heart stopped beating. After David, we had an early miscarriage, and then we had two more pregnancies, one a baby boy and the last one a baby girl, where the babies' hearts also just mysteriously stopped beating. It has been a year and a half since my last miscarriage, so I'm hoping that my body has had time to recover and that this new treatment will be a success. Thank you for praying for this baby.

What They Want for Christmas

2007-12-14T11:21:00.000-07:00

Karissa, Amy and I were in the kitchen the other day listening to the radio. A Christmas song was on that kept using the word Immanuel in it. I saw it as a teachable moment, so here is how our conversation went:

I asked them, "Girls, do you know what Immanuel means?"

They answered that they didn't, so I said, "It means, 'God with us.' It is one of Jesus' names. It means that He is God with us."

The girls were quiet for awhile, and I thought they had moved on to other things until Karissa said, "Mommy, do you know what I want for Christmas?"

"No, honey, what do you want for Christmas?"

She got a sweet smile on her face and answered, "I want Immanuel."

My heart melted! Oh the faith of a child. I wish we all had this Christmas wish on our wish lists. Oh, Lord help me to have a heart that says, "Daddy, You know what I want for Christmas? You. I want You this holiday season." I was deep in thought, when Amy decided she didn't want to miss the opportunity.

"I want a Disney Princess Baby Daycare!" She said. : )

Trouble With My Header

2007-12-14T07:28:00.001-07:00

Anyone else having issues with your blog template today? I'm not sure what happened to the image on my header- You should be able to see all of JJ, not just his mouth. Hmmmmm.....Any ideas????

Self-Pity and Pessimism

2007-12-13T23:08:00.000-07:00

I was all set tonight to write a post about how pessimistic I am feeling about our adoption lately and to share a bunch of reasons I have been feeling sorry for myself lately...weight gain, no clothes for a Christmas party, bad hair-do, etc.

Before I posted tonight, though, I was blog-surfing. I landed on a blog of a young woman (only two years older than me) who just lost her battle with cancer last week, leaving a loving husband and three young children under the age of five. Reading her story took all the oomph out of my self-pity. Instead, I am going to bed thankful for this day with my girls. I may be chubby and have a funky new hair-do, but I'm alive and healthy and so in love with this family Jesus gave me.

My Friend Joins the Blogging World

2007-12-11T20:42:00.001-07:00

My friend Daiquiri just joined the world of blogging. Stop by and say hi. Tell her that Becky sent you. : )

Family Portrait, Happy Birthday Grandpa, and the Songs I'm Singing Today

2007-12-09T12:38:00.000-07:00

Karissa's Family Portrait

Yesterday, my girls spent time playing with friends and Karissa came home with this drawing of her family.

Happy 56th Birthday Grandpa!

Friday, December 7th, was my dad's 56th birthday. We are so many miles away from Grandpa, we were sad we couldn't celebrate with him. Not wanting to miss a chance for celebration and sugar, we decided to celebrate in honor of him. : ) Happy Birthday Dad! We love you.

The Songs I'm Singing Today:

Shining

You guide me through the dark
You calm my fearful heart
I will rest in You
You give me perfect peace
Fulfill my deepest needs
I will rest in You.

God,
Shining like the Sun
Let your Kingdom come,
I want to be with You
In Your Presence
I'm here to give You praise
You take my breath away
And now I’m here with You
In Your Presence

Your Kindness draws me in
Now I'm with You once again
I will rest in You
My God who reigns on high
To You alone I cry
I will rest in You

(Phil Wickham)

I Will Offer Up My Life

I will offer up my life
In spirit and truth,
Pouring out the oil of love
As my worship to You
In surrender I must give my every part
Lord, receive the sacrifice
Of a broken heart

CHORUS:
Jesus, what can I give, what can I bring
To so faithful a friend, to so loving a King?
Savior, what can be said, what can be sung
As a praise of Your name
For the things You have done?
Oh my words could not tell, not even in part
Of the debt of love that is owed
By this thankful heart

You deserve my every breath
For You've paid the great cost;
Giving up Your life to death,
Even death on a cross
You took all my shame away,
There defeated my sin
Opened up the gates of heaven
And have beckoned me in

More Than You Wanted to Know- My 100th Blog Post

2007-12-04T15:10:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe that I have posted 100 times on this blog. I guess I had a lot to say???? I've heard that it is blog tradition to post a "100 Things" list.

I've been consumed with "stuff" and worries today and not getting much done, so this will be a good distraction for me. I just hope you wanted to know all of this stuff:

100 Things About Becky

1. I was born in 1976
2. I grew up in Washington State.
3. I was born blind in one eye. When I was two years old, we traveled to Memphis, Tennessee for an eye surgery that saved my eye but not my sight. It was a brand new surgical technique that they use today to save the sight of newborns. I had about 40 international doctors following me around. I feel good about being a part of something that is doing good today for babies.

4. My blind eye is smaller than my other eye and I cock my head a lot to see better. I used to be so insecure about it, but now I see it as one of those blessings in disguise.

5. I have one younger brother, Ben, who used to be my "little" brother but is now much taller than me. We don't look anything alike, he's blond, green-eyed, and very fair. I'm just all brown. : ) I love my brother and we were unusually close friends growing up. I've always known that that was a special thing.

6. I love football. I know this is rare for a girl, but my dad was a high school football coach growing up, so I started going to games in the womb. I don't know the game like someone who has played it, but I love it as a fan. I love to hear the band, the crunch of pads, the licorice ropes, all of it. Sometimes, I put games on TV that I'm not interested in, just to hear the noise.

7. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mommy. I had 22 dolls growing up that all slept with me and my dad had to kiss them all goodnight when he tucked me into bed at night.

8. I'm a people-pleaser and an approval addict.
9. I love beauty.
10. I cry during Hallmark commercials.
11. I love to dance. I did a lot of country swing dancing when I was in college and miss it.
12. I feel nature deprived. I don't get out enough. I love camping, hiking, skiing, etc. but I'm not a self-starter and kind of a homebody.
13. I can sort of draw.
14. I can sort of play the piano
15. I can sort of sew.
16. I guess you can call me a jack-of-all-trades-master-of none.
17. I didn't "discover" chocolate until college. Wow! I sure was missing something.
18. I have continually been on a diet my entire life! (Well, at least since 5th grade) No one ever wanted to trade school lunches with me. Somehow my skinny bread, measured mayonnaise, and V8 just weren't all that appealing.
19. These are some of the careers I considered being 'when I grew up": missionary, teacher to the deaf, marine biologist, journalist, author, international business saleswoman selling apples to the Japanese and Mexican markets, but what I became was a teacher and a mommy. I chose right. : )
20. I've always been a scardy-cat.
21. I'm still afraid of the dark.
22. I'm loyal
23. I'm a low-maintenance friend.
24. I hate confrontation
25. I get nervous stomach aches
26. I chew my fingernails.
27. I dream of being an author.
28. If I could go back to high school, I'd be so much less serious. I would have fun this time around.
29. I almost died when my GPA was ruined by an A- in my Junior year.
30. I'm proud that I was a friend to everyone back then.
31. I don't remember how old I was when I gave my life to Jesus.
32. My dad- who was an atheist at the time - and I would have theological discussions. (I was 5) He'd tell me that some people need God and he was glad I had God, but he didn't need him.
33. I would get so excited when I saw Daddy reading his "The Good News" Bible. I didn't know then that he was trying to disprove the Bible.
34. Some doctors and their wives shared Jesus with my parents and Dad says they couldn't have argued him into the Kingdom of Heaven, but they loved him in. He said they "put skin on Jesus" for him. He couldn't deny Jesus anymore because he could see Him in them.
35. I want to put skin on Jesus for people.
36. I was baptised when I was 8 years old. My dad baptised me. I was little, but I knew it was my way of telling the world that I loved Jesus and wanted to follow him forever.
37. I had a sweet dating relationship in high school, but after that ended I was dating-challenged until I met Pat while I was student teaching.
38. I'm glad God made me wait for my prince charming.
40. I did my student teaching in a 5th grade classroom with an amazing teacher named Mrs. Wilson. I learned so much from Mrs. Wilson!
41. I was a reading specialist assistant as my first official job.
42. I taught 6th grade for three years until my daughter was born.
43. She weighted 9 lbs. 9 oz!!!! She is such a little thing now, you'd never know.
44. My first daughter was only 4 months old when we conceived our second daughter. I was scared to death!
45. I would do it on purpose now.
46. My daughters have the sweetest relationship. I always wished I had a sister. I'm so glad they have each other.
47. I am biased, but I think I have the two most beautiful little girls in the whole wide world.
48. I am SO THANKFUL that I get to be a stay at home mom.
49. I love to learn new things.
50. I get excited about the things I study and learn and then want to tell everyone about it.
51. I'm reading the book, Epicenter, by Joel Rosenberg right now and find it fascinating! I am very interested in what is happening in the Middle East right now.
52. I am the world's WORST procrastinator.
53. I spend way too much time worrying about what other people think of me.
54. I really do love to exercise....so why don't I? : )
55. My dad and I use to try to name the different colors in a sunset. I love sunsets.
56. I really love Christmas.
57. I wished it snowed more here. It is almost always 40 degrees around here in the winter. Yuck! What a useless temperature. Too cold to play outside, too warm to have snow.
58. I get excited for each new season.
59. I like to imagine what Heaven will be like.
60. I can't make decisions to save my life. Big decisions are a torture.
61. I love to read.
62. I never have enough time in a day to do what I wish I could do.
63. My husband is my anchor. Every time I need strength, there he is.
64. I've kind of got a melancholy personality.
65. I need to be told to go to bed at night.
66. I have watched the A&E version of Pride and Prejudice four times that I can think of. Since that is a 6 hour show, I've spent 24 hours of my life watching it. I've got the hots for Mr. Darcy. Don't tell Pat. : )
67. I also love the Anne of Green Gables books and movies. I've watched and read them too many times to count.
68. Somehow I can turn on my laptop and hours disappear.
69. It is so much fun to me to read out loud to our girls. I'm reading them the Wizard of Oz books right now. We all get a kick out of the Scarecrow. He's pretty funny.
70. I can speak quite a bit of Spanish. I used to speak a lot more than I do now. It is amazing how much you can lose if you don't use it.
71. I have very fond memories of a mission trip I took to Mexico City when I was 14. It put a love for missions in my heart that I hope I can experience more someday.
72. I wish we were traveling to Liberia, but I see Pat's wisdom in the reasons why we aren't.
73. My greatest heartbreak of my lifetime has been my pregnancy losses.
74. I have four babies waiting for me in heaven: David, Micah, James, and Sarah. I'm so thankful my relationship with them is just interrupted and not lost.
75. My greatest heartbreak is being used to make me a more compassionate, stronger person who can relate to other hurting people.
76. I teach a women's bible study on Monday mornings with the greatest group of women. Most of them are older and wiser than me, so I'm not sure why I'm the leader.
77. I am writing a book, not the one I thought I'd be writing, but I'm excited about seeing it finished. It's nonfiction when I dreamt about being a novelist, but I can see God's purpose in this, and I'm excited to see what he is going to do with it.
78. I worry a lot about my family and friends who don't know Jesus. I wish I was better at introducing Him to people.
79. I have been a Christian for almost 30 years, but I am just now starting to figure out and understand grace.
These are some of the books that have changed my life:
80. The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee
81. The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O'Martian
82. Humility by Andrew Murray
83. To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
84. Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard
85. I've said it many times on this blog before. But so much of the Bible got inside of me through Don Francisco's music.
86. I've always admired my Nana and my Grandma. Nana has a way of making things beautiful and Grandma has a way of living life to its fullest.
87. I like sending letters the old fashioned way.
88. I collect stationary.
89. I am proud of my handwriting.
90. I wish I could sing. (At least in a way that people would want to listen to) My babies were my captive audience.
91. I am so thankful for the old hymns and choruses that are still inside of me from my childhood church experiences.
92. I went to this amazing summer camp as a kid every summer called Ross Point Baptist Camp in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Some of my absolute best childhood memories are from camp and family camp there. I'd love to go there again.
93. I'm trying to learn how to "wait on the Lord."
94. I'm so thankful for this promise from God: I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Psalm 32:8
95. My favorite feeling in the world is a hug.
96. I love to laugh and be silly.
97. I need a bowl of cereal before bed.
98. I cannot wait for that day when every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord and when everything will be made right again. My heart aches often with the thought, "This isn't the way it is supposed to be." I'm so glad that there is hope of it being "the way it is supposed to be" again and forever.
99. I'm so excited to be Jeremiah's Mommy. I wonder who else God has planned to be our children?
100. I am so incredibly blessed and thankful for my life.

The Hope

2007-11-30T19:30:00.000-07:00

I wanted to recommend this video:

http://www.christiananswers.net/hope/home.html

It is a video that you can watch online. There are twelve chapters that cover what the Bible says from beginning to end.

My five-year-old daughter and I have been watching it together. We just finished watching Chapter 9 tonight. It is so neat to see how supernatural the Bible really is, and how the whole thing works together to give us hope.

My favorite part of the video is Chapter One. I love how they did the part of God speaking everything into existence. It's really cool.

Karissa keeps asking, "Mommy, can I watch the Hope?" Oh, I don't know Disney Channel or The Hope. Hmmmm tough choice. : )

I hope you enjoy it like we are.

This is For You, Missy : )

2007-11-28T08:46:00.000-07:00

Hey Missy, I tried to email you this video but it was too large to be an email attachment.

Since I couldn't email it to Missy, I thought the rest of you might enjoy seeing my little dog lover cracking up over a video that my friend Missy's kids made and posted on her blog, "It's a Wonderful Life."

Lord, Teach Me How to Pray

2007-11-28T07:21:00.000-07:00

Throughout this adoption process, I am discovering that God is using it to refine me and to grow me. I know that the process itself is important, not just the end result, and I can't rush it. The process is shaping me into the woman God wants me to be and is preparing me to be the best mom for Jeremiah. There are many ways that God has used it to make me better and stronger and every time I get impatient, He tells me, "Not yet. I still have more work to do."

Today, I learned that He is asking me to grow in my prayer life. I slept terribly last night and then this morning, my youngest daughter, Amy, crawled in bed with us at 5 AM. I couldn't sleep with all of her tossing and turning, and I felt like God was asking me to get up and pray.

I went to one of the daily devotions that I read on the computer called "Our Daily Bread." Today's devotion was on prayer and at the end of it, they offered a link for a booklet called "Jesus' Blueprint for Prayer" by Haddon Robinson. I used the booklet as my blueprint for my prayer time this morning. I learned so much about how to pray. Here is the link:
http://www.rbc.org/uploadedFiles/Bible_Study/Discovery_Series/PDFs/Jesus_Blueprint_For_Prayer.pdf
Note: If you are blind like me : ) You may find the booklet easier to read if you up the percentage you are viewing it at. The tool bar at the top of the page will have a percentage. I usually up it to about 150% (Like I said, I'm really blind) : )
As well as how to pray, I also picked out a few favorite quotes from the booklet on why we pray:

"God wants us for Himself. He desires communion with us. His
purpose in prayer is not to make us sit up and beg. He wants us to know
Him. Prayer is His method to accomplish that.

When we pray we
often concentrate on the gifts in God’s hand and ignore the hand of God
Himself.

While God in His grace does give good gifts to His children, He offers
us more than that. He offers us Himself. Those who are merely
satisfied with the trinkets in the Father’s hand miss the best reward of prayer-
the reward of communicating and communing with the God of the
universe.”

George MacDonald said: "What if God knows prayer to be the thing we need
first and most? What if the main object in God’s idea of prayer is a
supplying of our great, our endless need- the need of Himself?”

This adoption process isn't just about me. God has taken into account everyone involved, every minor detail and the affects of those details. I'm just seeing that in the waiting, He is drawing me closer to Himself, and I love it.

GIVING THANKS

2007-11-21T18:08:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of my front door.

I am giving thanks for you. Yes, you!!

I am so thankful for the relationships in my life.
I cherish the people I get to love and the people who love me.
I am one BLESSED and GRATEFUL woman. : )

I am thankful for the interest you have shown in our family and our adoption journey. And so, so grateful for the prayers you have lifted on our behalf.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Love,

Back Inside to Warm Up

2007-11-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

Fire
Cocoa
Ahhhhhhh!!!!
Great Winter Morning : )

Little J.J., We had such a fun time playing in the snow this morning. It made me wonder what you will think of this cold, white stuff. You are in 80 - 90 degree weather right now. Oh boy, little boy, you will have some adjustments to make! But I hope we can help you learn to love this stuff like we do. We love you!
Mommy

My Little Snow Angel

2007-11-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

Here is Amy, my little snow angel. Her big sister had to go to school and miss out on all of the fun.

Amy has been sick with an awful cold all week, so I can't believe I let her outside to do this. She begged and I couldn't say no. : )

Anyone, up for a snow cream cone?

I Win! I Win! I WIn!!!!

2007-11-20T09:25:00.000-07:00

Every year, my Mom and I have a competition to be the first to call each other and say that we got the first snow. Mom lives in snowier country so I rarely win. But this year, I win!!! These were the views out my windows this morning. It isn't supposed to last, but we sure had fun playing in it this morning!

What's in a Name?

2007-11-17T08:56:00.000-07:00

I have always been fascinated with the meaning of names. When I was a kid, I ordered a name book from our class book orders and read it cover to cover. I learned all kinds of interesting facts, and remember many of them to this day. Like the man who's legal last name was:
Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff

As if that wasn't bad enough, his parents gave him a name for every letter of the alphabet. Can you IMAGINE his birth certificate?

All of my dolls had specially chosen names, and I had very definite ideas about what my children would be named when I grew up. (Hmmm...somehow I forgot that a husband would be involved in that decision process.)

Before our girls were born, as Pat and I debated names, meaning was just as important to me as the sound of the name. I love the meaning behind the girls' names:

Karissa Ann (Precious Grace)

Amy Elizabeth (Beloved, Set Apart for God)

As I've been researching the meaning of Jeremiah's name, I have been struck by how prophetic his name really is. Here are the meanings of his name:

Chosen by God
God will raise up, God will set free
God will uplift
Appointed by Jehovah
Exalted by the Lord

Wow. Even the name he was given at birth, shows that God had plans for our special little boy from the very beginning.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Confessions of a Comment Junkie : )

2007-11-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

I must confess, I love it when you leave me comments on my blog. Every time I post, I check back LOTS to see if there are any comments left. And now I am so excited that Blogger has made it easier for you all to leave me notes (and feed my addiction) : )

Here it is:
Comments 101
(Sounds nicer than "Comments for Dummies")

You don't have to have a Google account anymore to leave me a comment. At the end of every post, it says something like "Posted by Becky at 10:34 3 Comments."

Click on Comments and it will take you to a place where you can type me a message.

When you get done typing your message, where it says "Choose Your Identity," just click "Other." You just type your name in the box. (Leaving a website address is optional but fun for me to see if you have one)

There, piece of cake. Easy for you to do. And you won't be accused of being a blog stalker! Check back, because I might comment back. : )

Stepping Off the Ride

2007-11-11T10:34:00.000-07:00

Wow. These past few weeks have been really tough. My anxiety level has been through the roof. I think it is mostly accumulated stress, and I just hit a point where my body can't take it anymore and is fighting back.

I went to see the doctor about it on Friday, and we talked about ways to reduce stress, activities that need to go, lifestyle changes to make, and she is doing some blood work to see what's going on with me.

In our conversation, there was confirmation for some of the things that my husband has been asking me to do regarding our adoption for a long time. I posted awhile ago about how he said I need to just quit thinking about it and stressing about it and just wait for God and Acres of Hope to tell us it is time.

I haven't been able to "just stop thinking about it." I think a part of me feels like if I don't think about it, read about, pray about it, prepare for it, I'm less of a mother and I really don't care about my son. Being engrossed in the adoption stuff is my way of showing my love for our future son, just like a pregnant woman reads books about fetal development, paints the nursery, talks about the baby non-stop, etc.

The problem is that the adoption process is so full of ups and downs, expectations and excitement, discouragement and hopelessness, feelings like it is never really going to happen, and then good news that makes you more and more impatient for your child to be home. Now that I've seen the beautiful pictures of our Jeremiah, and read about his sweet personality, it makes the ups and downs, and discouraging news out of Liberia, all that much harder to take. I long for him to be right here! It truly is a roller coaster ride, and personally I've made somewhat of an idol of the ride

I am on my laptop several times a day reading posts on the Yahoo group, checking blogs, hitting "Check Mail" on my email inbox hoping for new news. I went a little overboard, and now I am feeling conviction that it is time to let the roller coaster come to a stop, climb out, and walk away from the ride. The Yahoo groups and blogs have allowed me to make connections with amazing, wonderful people that I truly care about, and I want to know what is going on in their lives, but for a season, I think I need to check out. I need to limit myself to scanning the Yahoo group on a weekly, or maybe even bi-weekly basis. I need to limit my blog reading and just enjoy what is true about right now, in this home, and spend more time loving on my family.

I hate that the adoption process has bottle necked in Liberia and that it could be a very long time before our son has a visa to come home. I love him already, and wish I could jump on a plane and go get him, but the fact that the process is so vague and unpredictable and stressful, makes me feel like I need to deliberately stop reading about it, and just live until that great day when the phone call or email comes with more photos or info, or the BIG one when they tell us it is finally time to get our little JJ.

I'm not writing off you wonderful friends!!! I will be praying just as much as ever. I'm just taking a break from information, if that makes sense. : )

The other day I was reading through my past blog entries, back in January, and a lot of times I would write a little note to our son. I miss doing that, so here it goes:

Jeremiah, I think about you all the time. When I look at the clock, I add the hours to mine to see where you are at in your day, and I daydream about what you might be doing. I pray for your heart and for your health. I can't wait to hold you and read to you, to pray over you and sing to you. I can't wait for you to play with your sisters and see how much love they have for you. I can't wait to see you being your Daddy's buddy. He sure needs another boy around here. He's really outnumbered! We all love you so much!
God bless you, Baby Boy! Love, Mommy

Our Special Little Boy

2007-11-06T10:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday felt like when it rains it pours......blessings this time! : )

After we got our referral notice, we received several comments from people who have been to Liberia and have actually seen and held our JJ. It seems that he leaves quite an impression on people. : )

People who have seen him describe him with words like "precious" "will melt your heart" "sweetheart" "special little boy" "tiny as a button" "cuddler" That's my boy! : )

Then we got another email that had more pictures and an orphan report. It was amazing to get to read about Jeremiah's personality. I feel like I know him already and I want him home! We are going to have so much fun! Here it is:

Jeremiah James

Outgoing, playful, and almost always smiling, Jeremiah lights up his room at the orphanage. Jeremiah, who is called JJ, is cute, energetic, and very smart. He doesn't say a lot, but he always has the greatest expressions to accompany his feelings about a situation.

JJ has a happy, easy personality. He smiles a lot, and is quite obedient for a 1 year old. He usually only cries for a really good reason and adapts well to new situations. JJ is very outgoing, and loves to run around energetically, act silly, laugh, and smile. He has a lot of expressions and makes the cutest faces over various situations. He's not overly vocal, but his expressions tell you exactly how he's feeling! JJ really likes to be held and cuddled, but he wouldn’t be considered clingy. What he loves is the one-on-one attention so he's content in most situations where that is provided, even if he is not in someone's arms.

JJ interacts well with other children his age. He's a kind boy, who doesn't fight over toys or get short-tempered with his friends. JJ likes to play with toys of any kind, but he is entertained by a variety of things. He is naturally very creative and provides his own entertainment if nothing exciting is going on. He has a good attention span, and is able to play for extended periods of time without getting into trouble.

JJ loves to gather around his nanny with his roommates and listen to the stories. Since JJ is one of the youngest, and is the littlest in his room, he often gets the privilege of sitting on his nanny's lap during story time.

One of JJ's favorite things is an activity. He loves story time with his nanny, but does great outdoors as well. Since he's not intimidated by groups of people he enjoys outings and playing in crowds of children. One of his favorite activities is London Bridge. JJ especially enjoys things that involve motions so any clapping, handholding, running, etc. makes an activity even more exciting. But though JJ enjoys activities, he still is often seen sitting on his nanny's lap while the other children are runny around playing. He's so little and cuddly, it's hard for the nannies to resist holding him a lot.

JJ is learning to talk, but is not using a whole lot of words yet. He's not overly chatty, even in baby talk, but knows how to express his needs through gestures and if necessary, crying. Though JJ is not talking, it is clear that he is exceptionally smart. His responses to what is going on around him show that he is observing a lot more than your average 18 month old.

JJ is eating three meals a day and has a 6-ounce bottle in between meals and before bed. He'll take a sippy cup of his offered one, or drink out of a regular cup. He's not picky about how he gets his milk, but he sure loves it!

Because he was malnourished when he was first brought to the orphanage, JJ is very small for his age. He only wears size 9-12 month clothes, size 3 diapers, and size 4 shoes.

Look how long those eyelashes are! The only person I know with eyelashes that long is Pat, my husband! : ) Just like his daddy.

We Have a New Referral!!!!!!

2007-11-05T13:52:00.000-07:00

YIPPEEEEE!!!!!! We have a new referral and we have ACCEPTED. : )

I am so happy to introduce you to our little boy:

Jeremiah James Harris

(Soon to be an Avella)

Isn't he a cutie? We don't have a lot of details to share yet, other than he is 1 and 1/2 years old. Perfect! I don't know how long we are going to have to wait to get him home. We'll know more later. I'm just so thankful to be moving forward. We are trying to be cautious with our hearts and to remember that anything can happen, but are celebrating in this next step closer to our son.

A Few Great Days

2007-11-02T20:08:00.000-06:00

The last few days have been so wonderful, especially Halloween, which shocked me because for the last nine years it has been a day that I dread.

Pat let me know before we were married that he had strong convictions about not celebrating Halloween. To me, Halloween was one of my favorite memories of being a kid. We always met at Nana's house to get dressed, then Mom and Aunt Dana would walk with us as we ran through fall leaves going door to door trick-or-treating. After hitting all the houses on foot that we could, we'd jump in the car and go to Aunt Sandy's for homemade popcorn balls. It was innocent fun, and I was raised in a Christian home, so I thought Pat was making way too big a deal about it. We never could see eye to eye on this issue, so we got married knowing that we'd have to figure it out.

Every year since then, we have been trying to figure it out. I have come to really respect and admire Pat's heart in this issue. It hasn't been easy. I worried so much that our kids would grow up missing out on fun and resenting us. I also couldn't figure out how to deal with the day. I didn't think that Jesus would want us hiding in the dark, ignoring the people coming to our door.

This year, I really felt like God blessed us with a special day. It was a day that was remarkably about Him.

Pat had to work, so it ended up being a girls day. I kept Karissa home from Kindergarten because I knew the whole morning would be about Halloween and I didn't want her to have to be the only kid without a costume and have to sit in the library or something for the party. Instead, the girls and I went hiking at a local park. It was an absolutely GORGEOUS Fall day. I could not have put in an order for a better day. I had the girls pack snacks, water bottles, and nature journals that we made. We hiked and the girls stopped and sketched in their journals when they saw things that interested them. At one point while we were stopped, my four-year-old, Amy, was drawing some purple wildflowers and out of the blue she said, "He made all things beautiful." This was one of her bible verses from AWANA, and I was just blown away by the beauty of a four-year-old applying God's Word while she was enjoying His creation.

In our exploring, we discovered a little pond we called our "Peace-Loving-Spot" (Cheezy name, but a childhood tradition from my past for truly special places. We used to look for our Peace-Loving-Spots when we went camping as kids)

This PLS (a.k.a. pond) was secluded with a carpet of leaves. The trees rained leaves on us while the girls threw rocks in the water.

We ended the hike back at the park and the girls spent an hour and a half playing on the playground. I read the end of the last book in the Mitford series and then joined them on the swings.

Later that day, after visiting friends, the girls raced up the hill to home, singing at the top of their lungs a song they made up about "We love Him because He first loved us." My heart was so full as I followed behind and thought about how sweet it was that my girls had hearts for Jesus.

That evening we went to a community harvest party at the church where the girls do their AWANA. They had a blast. I talked to them about what harvest meant, so they picked out clothes that made them feel like farmers. The church fed us hot dogs and then had carnival games and inflatables set up. We came home with enough candy to feed an army.

I tucked them in, satisfied that they had a joyful day that was peaceful, innocent, God-centered, and memorable. I learned that it didn't have to be a day to dread after-all.

Thursday was wonderful because it was characterized by laughter. The morning started by watching the video I posted below. I laughed so hard I cried. It was amazing how much starting the day with a good belly-laugh and with tears rolling down my cheeks, made my day. It seriously was good medicine for me. I have been so serious and stressed these last few years. I had almost forgotten how to laugh. Once I started laughing, I didn't want to stop. I shared the video with friends and family and then they started sending me jokes and more funny videos to watch. I had such a light-hearted day. It was great.

It was also nice to have a few days where I didn't think about adoption. I just focused on my girls, my love for them, and felt such contentment. I wish I could've bottled up that contentment to use on these other days when waiting and being in limbo gets tough.

GREAT Medicine for Stress Relief

2007-11-02T20:07:00.001-06:00

You've got to watch this!! I haven't laughed this hard in so long.

Music I Grew Up On

2007-11-02T09:39:00.001-06:00

I was raised on Don Francisco's music. His albums are the sound track of my life.

I remember days of teenage angst laying across my bed listening to his music for hours on end. Many of his songs are stories from the Bible. It is amazing how much of God's Word got into my heart through Don's music.

When I lost my babies, his music was there again to point my heart to Jesus.

Like I said in my last post, I've been nostalgic lately and listening to some oldies.

Hope you enjoy this love song to you!

"I'll Never Let Go of Your Hand" By Don Francisco

Can I Just Stop Thinking About It?

2007-10-30T21:18:00.000-06:00

My friend Angela and I were visiting the other day and commiserating about the adoption process. Their family is in the process of adopting from Vietnam, and she was frustrated because they were waiting for their dossier to be sent to Vietnam from the Vietnamese embassy. They thought it would take about 12 days for this to happen, but 5 weeks later, they were still waiting.

I asked her if she could imagine doing this again for a second adoption. She just laughed and said, "No way!" I think adoptive parents must experience amnesia after their child is home, just like after childbirth, that makes them willing to ride this roller coaster a second or third or more times. I'm just so weary of this ride.

That night at dinner I told this story to Pat. He said, "You just need to stop thinking about it so much." He explained how he realizes there is nothing he can do to speed up the process, so he has just put our adoption out of his mind until I call him one day and tell him we have a referral. He encouraged me to stop "worrying so much."

I don't know if I can just stop thinking about it. Is this possible? How? Is it the mom in me? I guess I just feel like it is never really going to happen. I told Pat that I'll just be blogging about it forever with no end to the story.

While I was cooking dinner tonight, I was in a nostalgic mood, so I was listening to old praise music by Maranatha singers. I got preached a sermon, let me tell you!

One song said this:

He is able, more than able, to accomplish what concerns me today.
He is able, more than able, to handle anything that comes my way
He is able, more than able, to do much more than I can ever dream
He is able, more than able, to make me what he wants me to be
He is able, more than able, to do much more than I could ever dream
He is able, more than able, to make me what he wants me to be

Another one said this:

In His time
He makes all thing beautiful
In His time.

Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing,
In Your time.

Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing,
In Your time.
In Your time, in Your time,
You make all thing beautiful in Your time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing,
In Your time"

God's timing.......not Becky's

For other Mitford fans (Jan Karon novels).....you'll understand when I say I need to learn from Father Tim. I need to pray the prayer that never fails....

Thy will be done.

Learning to Talk Liberian Style

2007-10-29T20:47:00.000-06:00

In the midst of my blog-surfin', I came across The Reeds in Liberia. It is the blog of a missionary family living in Liberia. I'm really enjoying reading their perspective of life where "Whombie" lives.

Recently, there was a post on Liberian English. It cracked me up to read this post. It may be considered English, but it seems like I would need a foreign language course to be able to speak it.

Take a look and see how you would do:

(From "The Reeds In Liberia" Oct. 1, 2007)

Liberia is classified as an “Anglophone” country. Despite its 15 active tribal languages, the official language of the country is English. This makes it easier for us to work here, obviously because we did not have to learn a completely new language upon arrival. I said it makes it easier, but understanding the Liberian version of English is not always easy, and even after two years sometimes it is impossible. Being the amateur linguist that I am, I’ve been able figure out what is behind this difficulty in understanding my native tongue when uttered by many Liberians. It is not simply a matter of accent.

First, and most obvious to the listener, is in the way Liberians pronounce many words—the end of many words are left off. “House” becomes “haw”, “dog” becomes “daw”, “serious” becomes “seria”, and so on. Sometimes even each syllable in multi syllable words are deleted, so “redlight” might become “re’li’”, “everything” is “e’ry’tin’, or ” kool aid” is “koo aye.”

To complicate matters significantly, Liberians use different English words than most North Americans choose. For example, “reaching” means “leaving” as in “I’m reaching to my hou’,” “finish” means “to be out of something,” As in “the rice is finish,” or “flog” instead of “beat,” as in “My brother tol’ me he wou’ flog me.” Finally, Liberians finish many words randomly in “O,” as in “fini-o” for “finish,” or “daw-o” to give “dog” a little more panache.

Therefore when you combine words pronounced differently with word choices that are different than what you’ve lived with all your life, you get sentences that are just a little beyond reach until you understand both the usage of the word and the pronunciation of all the words in the sentence.

So, putting these factors together, we might have the following sentences—see if you can figure them out:

1. “Trokon carry mah own sef pla’ toe to hi’ hou’.’” (Literally, “Trokon carry my own self play toy to his house,” or “Trokon took my toy to his house.”)

2. “Dea’ ca’ be sweeo.” (Literally,” Deer can be sweet-o,” or “Venison is delicious.” )

3. Leh ca’ta’ eh sleepi’ bah da’ pi’ hou’ (Literally, “the carter it sleeping by the pig house” or “The carter (a clothe pad used to cushion the head when carry things) was left out all night near the pig pen.”)

4. “De ro’ he wah a bri’ one and dryo.” (Literally, “The rogue he was a bright one and dry-o,” or “The thief was light-skinned and very thin.”)

5. “Leh pum’ eh spoi’. Le’ carry de jeep to tow’ fo’ new pah.’” (Literally, “The pump is spoiled, let’s carry the jeep to town for new part,” or “The pump is not working, so let’s take the 4wd vehicle into town for a new part.”)

6. “Boieh! Boieh! Boieh!” (Literally, “Boiled egg, boiled egg, boiled egg!” which children shout as they carry hard boiled eggs for sale on the street.)

7. “Unca Bah, I juke mah foo-o. Plea’ pu’ plasti’ on mah cuh.” (Literally, “Uncle Bob, I juke my foot. Please put plastic on my cut,” or “Uncle Bob, something jabbed or poked into my foot. Please put a band aid on my cut.”)

8. “Eneh, i’ yaw wais’ wateh on ma’ trouseh, I weh sureleh blow yaw mouf.” (Literally, “Enoch, if you waste water on my trousers, I will surely blow your mouth, “ or “Enoch, if you dump or spill that water on my pants, I will certainly punch you in the mouth.”)

9. Deh worsha’ weh fi’fi’. We gettin’ yaw puh-lenti!” (Literally, “The worshop was fine, fine. We getting you plenty,” Or “The workshop was very good. We understood you very well.”)

10. “Whi’ ma’, plea’ buy suh’ re’ oi’ fruh me. One hundreh LD.” (Literally, White Man, please buy some red oil from me. One hundred LD.” Red oil is palm nut oil; LD is Liberian Dollars—in this case about $1.80 US. )

11. “Sis Renita, I cuh’ to spe’ to yaw.” (Literally, Sis Renita, I come to speak to you,” or “Sister, Renita, I dropped by just to say hi.”) Not everybody speaks like this, but these phrases reflect a large portion of the people with whom we live and work each day. Some people, such as government or business leaders speak very similar English to me, with only what I call the attractive “African accent” distinguishing us.

Others speak a version of English so different in cadence, inflection, pronunciation, syntax and vocabulary as to require interpretation. Most children are harder to understand than adults. In our neighborhood, English is a second language to Bassa for many, and a significant minority speak virtually no English. So getting to understanding each other always takes a little extra time, even for simple things. Bu’, we ah tryin’, sma’ sma’, wid dis talkin’ ting he’. An’ soo’, we wi’sureleh be gettin’ e’rybodeh puh-lenty clea’, an den’ we ha’ a googoo ti’ togeddeh.

The Bear and the Atheist

2007-10-26T13:33:00.000-06:00

An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that had evolved. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear rapidly closing in on him. Somehow, he ran even faster. He was so scared tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with it's left paw and raising its right paw to strike him....he yelled out, "OH MY GOD!"

Time stopped.......

The bear froze.......

The forest was silent............

Even the river stopped moving. As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around:

"YOU HAVE DENIED MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TAUGHT OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST, AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU NOW AS A BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL," said GOD.

The light went out...

The river ran...

The sounds of the forest resumed..

And the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive, Amen."

He Knows My Name

2007-10-25T12:28:00.001-06:00

Thanks Petra : )

He Knows My Name

2007-10-24T18:54:00.001-06:00

This is such a miracle, that Jesus knows my name. How could I get through life without that?

The Bible says that every hair on my head is numbered. I have had a rough week this week. Not just because of the adoption roller coaster....other stuff... I just can't say enough how much it means to me to know that in it all, Jesus knows my name.

I have a Maker, who knew me even before time began. I have a future and a hope in Him.

Please let me know if you aren't sure if He knows your name, or if you long for a relationship with your Maker. It would be a joy beyond words to share with you how.

I'd like to recommend that you visit Charity Alonso's blog http://internationalmommy.blogspot.com/
(she is another Acres of Hope mom that just returned from Liberia after being there for five weeks. She has an amazing story about how God knows her name and moved in their family's lives to do a modern day miracle.

I was searching for a video of a different song. It is called "He Knows My Name" and is a song I love, but in my search I came across this one that meant a lot, so I decided to post this video instead.

(I'll do the other one later) I'm in a music zone right now. I've really been enjoying some music that I'll share over the next few days.

Love you all. Thanks for your prayers.

The Adoption Roller Coaster

2007-10-19T11:28:00.000-06:00

The adoption process is quite the roller coaster ride. I hate to admit it but on one of the dips, I got so frustrated, I kicked a chair. Ouch! My husband just laughed at me. : )

I keep wishing that this paper pregnancy had a due date that went along with it. I guess it is the unknowns and my lack of control over the situation that is the faith building part.

I really should have waited to post anything about a new referral until we actually had one. I got ahead of myself. We did get an email today that made me feel like we could be heading for an up part of the roller coaster. I'll keep you posted.....(but not too soon this time)

I've lost count of how many times I've come across the following quote in the last few days. I think God has been sending me a message:

I have found that there are three stages in every great work of God: first, it is impossible, then it is difficult, then it is done." - Hudson Taylor

It will be so-o-o-o nice to be at the "done" part. : )

Whombie

2007-10-09T19:53:00.000-06:00

We have started calling our little boy "Whombie" It stands for Whoever He May Be : ) So we say, "When Whombie comes home....." or "That goes in Whombie's room"

Someday, Whombie will have a real name, but for now Whombie he is. : )

No News Yet

2007-10-05T11:17:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry that I left you all in suspense. There is no news yet. I guess I just need to be more patient. : ) (Will I ever really learn this??)

There have been several more families that have lost referrals this week. Please pray for them for peace and comfort. I think all of us never believe that it could happen in our case. I pray that the changes being made in the system will help prevent this in the future. It is so heartbreaking.

When it happened to us, the prayer cover was such a gift. Please pray for the Holtz, Tidwell, Krahn, and Richardson families like you prayed for ours. I am feeling their pain.

Thank you for the continued prayers on our behalf. I am excited to have happy news to post soon, instead of sad news.

The Suspense is Killing Me

2007-10-02T13:11:00.000-06:00

We are supposed to hear soon from Acres of Hope about the possibility of a new referral. I can hardly stand the suspense. I just don't know what to do with myself right now, so I thought maybe journaling it all out on here might help me get it out and get me back to reality.

I am just hovering around the phone begging it to ring, and then when it does and it is not AOH, I'm so bummed. My heart is pounding, my stomach has butterflies, and I'm having a hard time doing anything. Unfortunately, there is a lot of housework that needs doing but I'm useless today. : ) They may not call today, but just knowing they might is keeping me so distracted.

I am so ready to open my heart again. I will hold on loosely this time until my son is in my arms, but I just want so much to be on the road again, heading toward the goal of the child God has for us. It is hard to be in pause mode. Please press "PLAY" again soon, Lord.

Decision Made! : )

2007-09-29T14:25:00.000-06:00

"The answers God gives us in our tomorrows often flow from our faithful todays." - Author, Beth Moore

God has heard the many prayers offered on behalf of our family and He has moved on our hearts in a very real way. I love how He does that! Thank you so much for praying for us. The prayer cover has been so tangible, I feel like I could stand on my tip toes and touch it. It is during times like this that I know that I am serving a real God. He is not a figment of my imagination.

After weeks of wrestling with this decision, Pat and I decided yesterday that we are continuing on with adoption from Liberia. As soon as the decision was made, I felt like a TON of bricks was lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't realize until after the decision was made how much this has been weighing on me. I've been holding my breath, wondering how Pat was feeling but not wanting to push.

I've also had a fear that I heard wrong, that there never really was a "call from God" to adopt from Liberia. I worried I had made this all up, and it had been me all along trying to take matters in my own hands because I want more children so badly. I prayed Wednesday night about it. I cried out to God, saying, "Was this from You or not? Did I make it all up? Is my family following me off a cliff? How am I supposed to KNOW if You spoke to me or not?"

I was reminded of Ethan Larsen, a missionary from our church, who spoke about his decision to take his family away from America, to the Ukraine and then eventually to Hungary. He said that before you do something big for God, you need to be convinced of your call to do it because when opposition comes and things get hard, that is all you have left to rely on. You KNOW that God told you to do this so you press on through the tough stuff.

I kept asking God, was it truly a call as I believed or just a romantic idea? Thursday morning I woke up and read my daily devotion on the Proverbs 31 Ministries website. It was all about living in the "Hear and Now." Hear was misspelled on purpose which drove the teacher in me crazy : ) The point of the study was are you acting on what you hear from God. At the end of the devotion there were two key verses printed:

John 10:4, “His sheep follow him because they know his voice.” (NIV)

John 10:27, “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” (NIV)

I felt God gently whisper to me, "Becky, you belong to Me. You know my voice."

The above quote from Beth Moore was also in this devotion, and I felt God telling me, the answers for tomorrow will flow out of your faithfulness today. It wasn't until the priest stepped into the raging Jordan River that it divided and dried up. Obey first, get your feet wet, and then watch me work.

I was also reminded of a concept I learned and have often quoted from Blackaby's "Experiencing God" study. So many times people beg God to reveal His Will to them, when really all along what they want is His plan. He tells us that we already know His will, He has told us in His Word what His Will is, we need to leave His plan to Him.

God's heart for orphans has not changed. It is very, very clear in the Bible that God has said that people who follow Him are supposed to care for widows and orphans. That didn't change when we lost Ben's referral.

By Thursday morning, I was convinced that we were supposed to move forward in faith and be cautiously excited about whatever referral we receive until our child is home. Once he is home, here in our arms, he will become our own as we give of ourselves to him. I remembered this quote from Dale Evans Rogers that I've posted on this blog many times:

"Time and experience have taught me a priceless lesson: Any child you take for your own becomes your own if you give of yourself to that child. I have borne two children and had seven others by adoption, and they are all my children, equally beloved and precious."

As Pat and I talked on Friday, I knew that God had softened the pain and frustration and anger in him. We talked about how God had blessed us so much and that it is clear in the bible that to whom much has been given, much is required. We don't want to bury what God has given us, but give it back to Him for His work, and there is no denying how much God cares about those in this world who are considered the least, the abandoned, the poor, and how it is His desire to place the lonely in families.

In our individual prayer times, we both came to the conclusion that God was calling us forward and has good plans for us, but this isn't just about us. It is just as much about the child that He puts into our family. God has great plans for that individual child and I am so thankful to be a part of watching those plans unfold.

Love always requires risk. I'd much rather risk hurt and heartache and be able to love, than to be safe and unable to love and be loved. I am so blessed.

I feel a peace and joy today that I'm so grateful for. I hope that soon we will have a son home in person to love. I can't wait to celebrate that day.

Taking Down Ben's Pictures

2007-09-23T22:14:00.001-06:00

I have taken Ben's picture off our blog and down from around the house. I am keeping them in my bible. I feel committed to him for life in my heart and in my prayers. When I pray for my kids, I pray for him, and maybe that was God's purpose in allowing us to think he was ours. He will be prayed for as he grows, but I needed to take his pictures away so we could get the image of him out of our minds and hearts and open them to the possibility of another child. If we are going to continue forward in adopting from Liberia, I want to have an open heart to the one the Lord chooses, and not have a picture in my mind of who I think that child should be.

Here is an excerpt from my prayer journal tonight:

"The more time that is going by, the more I am feeling ready to let go of Ben and attach my heart to whomever You bring home to us. I surrender. You choose. You are trustworthy. I will trust You to build our family according to Your will not mine. "

Sara Groves Song

2007-09-22T21:18:00.001-06:00

I stole the video of the song below from Jennifer Isaac's blog, "To Africa and Home." It is one of my favorite adoption blogs.

Sara Groves,

2007-09-21T21:58:00.001-06:00

A Heartfelt Thank You, Decisions, and Great Quotes

2007-09-20T14:02:00.000-06:00

I wanted to begin this post by thanking everyone for your incredible love and support. I treasure every email message, blog comment, and voice mail, because I know they represent the love and prayers of all of you. Thank you for loving us through this. I've been so busy with life this week. I'm sorry that I haven't gotten back to many of you yet. I just wanted you all to know that I am grateful and thankful for your love and concern.

This week has been emotionally draining, but I have a stubborn peace that won't go away. I know that I am being prayed for because I can feel it.

I love this quote from a missionary from the 1800's:

“If I had not felt certain that every additional trial was ordered by infinite love and mercy, I could not have survived my accumulated sufferings.” - Adoniram Judson

I trust that to be true for me, too.

Pat and I have some big decisions to make this week about adoption. I can't share the details just yet, but I would so appreciate your prayer cover. We want to be faithful to the call we felt, but it isn't easy. Please pray for us to keep moving forward in faith and to have clear direction as we make these decisions.

The other day I opened my Word document where I've been collecting adoption quotes this past year. A lot of them spoke to me right now. I'll share them with you:

“The place God calls you,” Frederick Buechner once said, “is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger
meet.”

"Sometimes on the way to a dream, you get lost and find a
better one!"

Jesus said that if you receive a child in His name, you receive Him and the one who sent him. The question is not whether caring for children is easy and safe, or whether they are responsive and thankful, or whether caring is depleting. The question is whether Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and
forever, and whether we can say with the apostle Paul, 'I can do all things through Him who strengthens me' (Philippians 4:13)." John Piper's "A Godward Life"(pg. 67)

"More prayer, more exercise of faith, more patient waiting, and the result will be blessing, abundant blessing. Thus I have found it many hundreds of times, and therefore I continually say to myself, "Hope thou in God."--George Mueller

"Time and experience have taught me a priceless lesson: Any child you take for your own becomes your own if you give of yourself to that child. I have borne two children and had seven
others by adoption, and they are all my children, equally beloved and precious.--Dale Evans Rogers

“If what God is calling you to do, isn’t bigger than yourself, then it isn’t God calling you.” –Stacey (story from AGCI’s e-journal)

"Oh, how happy is the woman who believes in God, for he does make his promises to her come true." – Luke 1:45

“This isn’t the family I imagined we’d have,” she says, scooping one of the twins onto her lap to share a hug with the baby. “It’s better.” – Sue Herrera Good Housekeeping article, January 2006 pg. 112

"Whoever welcomes this little child in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me. For he who is least among you all--he is the greatest. (Luke 9:48)

"And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with
such sacrifices God is pleased."Hebrew 13:16

"If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person? Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions." 1 John 3:17-18 NLT

"I am convinced that God longs to put His fingerprint in our lives, to act on our behalf and surprise us with His magnificence. I am equally convinced that most of the time we do not give God a context in which to do this. The mundane is not really the best context for a miracle. When we play it safe, we squeeze God out of the formula. If we go only where we know and do what we're certain will succeed, we remove our need for God. Whenever we respond to God's invitation, our need for God becomes heightened. Whenever we take on a God-sized challenge, self-sufficiency is no longer an option." (From Seizing Your Divine Moment)

You Choose Becky

2007-09-14T13:45:00.000-06:00

I almost quit yesterday. Not just on adoption, but on everything. I am so tired and weary.

A good friend sent me an email last night. In it he wrote, “I am sure losing Benjamin is not where this will all end for you guys.” I heard God’s voice say, “It could be. It could be the end of the story for you, if you quit. You can quit right now and be done and walk away and that will be the end of the story. Or you can press on to the blessings and assignments I have for you. It’s your choice.” It was almost like He drew a line in the sand for me.

I keep hearing God ask me, “Are you a soldier or not? Get up and fight.” Will this experience strengthen our resolve to do His work, or will this disappointment be the thing that makes us quit on Him. When my brother was a plebe at the Naval Academy, I remember them talking about the huge numbers of Midshipmen who would be weeded out. I had to ask myself, are Pat and I going to be weeded out? Are we going to desert, drop out of the program and walk away? Or are we going to allow ourselves to be trained into officers.

We are tired. We have been thoroughly beat up these past two years. I have four babies in heaven. I have a little boy in Liberia who will always have a piece of my heart. He will always be my spiritual son. I think you can say I am now officially an expert in the miscarriage department. I’ve delivered my son’s little body; I’ve experienced early miscarriage, late miscarriage, and now adoption miscarriage. But have I been destroyed? No!

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”
-2 Corinthians 4:7-9

I believe that because Pat and I are weak and tired and hurt, we have been marked by the enemy. He sneaks up from behind to attack us who are weak, just like the Amalekites did when the Israelites were leaving Egypt. We can sit down and say, “I deserve a break. I’m tired. I quit, someone else can take over.” That’s when we can be picked off; we need to be on guard as we are tired.

God is the defender of the weak and He has asked Pat and me to join him in taking care of the weak, defenseless, the abandoned, even if He has a different one for us then the cute little face that we decided we wanted. Another question he keeps asking me is, “Who is this about?” If you quit now you are saying, “This is about me.” If you keep going, you are saying, “This is about You, Lord, and the defenseless orphans that need us.” Are we in this to take care of orphans, and to be obedient to the Lord, or are we in it to get a prize for the pain we’ve been through, because we think we deserve it like a consolation prize. What is our motivation?

As I was writing these thoughts out, my five-year-old daughter came into the room. This was the conversation we just had:

Karissa: Mommy are you still sad because we can’t adopt Benjamin?

Me: Yes, honey, I am. How are you feeling about it?

Karissa: I’m OK. God gave his mommy enough money and food to take care of him because He knew he wasn’t the little boy for us. Can you get a picture of our new brother? What’s his name? Are we going to change his name again?

Me: I don’t know, honey, we’ll see.

The faith of a child. Karissa understands that God has our best interest, and Benjamin’s and his mother’s best interest in mind. He is good. He is love. He will work this out for our good if we will participate with him. Karissa knows to just keep moving forward, looking toward the best blessing God has for us. I need to follow her example and allow myself to keep following my Daddy.

How it will all play out for us, I don’t know, but I’m determined to not let this be the end of the story for us. Please pray for us to be strong and faithful to the plans that God has for us. As always, He is trustworthy. He didn’t change after that phone call came in on Wednesday night. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

I Will Praise You Still

2007-09-12T17:44:00.001-06:00

Today we learned that Benedict Aquai will not be our son. His birthmother returned to the orphanage and said that she could no longer go through with the adoption. She took him with her and removed him from the program.

I'm a wreck right now. I shouldn't have believed he was our son until he was on the airplane headed home, but I took one look at his picture and fell in love. I don't know what to think or feel, other than raw pain.

I know that God will carry me through this loss just like the others. As we've gone through losing our babies, God has given us theme songs. The first one was Tree63's "Blessed Be Your Name" and the then it was "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns. Today, my song is "Jesus Bring the Rain" by MercyMe.

I'm broken. I'm hurt, and I feel lost, but Jesus, I will praise You still!

Longing for Ben Today

2007-09-08T14:14:00.001-06:00

I am sitting here listening to a football game on the radio, and feeling lonely for Ben. Sometimes I feel so discouraged and so afraid that he is just a figment of my imagination. The visa situation feels dismal and I have started imagining that our file fell under a desk somewhere and that we've fallen through the cracks somehow and have been forgotten.

We accepted our referral the beginning of May and got new photos in June, but that's all that we've heard about the adoption. The silence is hard. AOH is incredibly busy trying to deal with this visa situation, several people are in Liberia right now, and they are in transition with hiring new staff. They are too busy doing everything right for the kids, so I totally understand, but its still hard and for some reason today is one of the hardest. I'm just really low in the faith and trust and optimism department.

Is our adoption process really going through? Is Ben ever really going to get a visa to get out of the country? Will he ever really be here in our home with us in person? Will he, Lord? Lord, help my unbelief.

Invisible Mom

2007-09-02T11:35:00.000-06:00

I just got this email message. I wanted to share it with the other "invisible moms" out there. I wish I could give credit to the author, but it didn't say on the email who wrote it. Jen, thanks for forwarding this one to me. It was perfect timing! : )

Invisible Mom:
It started to happen gradually. One day I was walking my son Jake to school. I was holding his hand and we were about to cross the street when the crossing guard said to him, "Who is that with you, young fella?"

"Nobody," he shrugged.

Nobody? The crossing guard and I laughed. My son is only 5, but as we crossed the street I thought, "Oh my goodness, nobody?"

I would walk into a room and no one would notice. I would say something to my family - like "Turn the TV down, please" - and nothing would happen. Nobody would get up, or even make a move for the remote. I would stand there for a minute, and then I would say again, a little louder, "Would someone turn the TV down?" Nothing.

Just the other night my husband and I were out at a party. We'd been there for about three hours and I was ready to leave. I noticed he was talking to a friend from work. So I walked over, and when there was a break in the conversation, I whispered, "I'm ready to go when you are." He just kept right on talking. I'm invisible.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm a car to order, "Right around 5:30, please."

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going...She's going...She's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this."It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman replied, "Because God sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness . It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table. " That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

The Song I'm Singing Today

2007-08-24T09:53:00.000-06:00

Every thing I’ve ever wanted
Only held me back from what I see in You
The wonders of Your love are far beyond
What any one could own or do

If I tried all through forever
I could never earn the treasure that’s in store
But now standing in Your righteousness
I reach in faith and cry to You for more

That I may know You
And the power of Your resurrection
That I may know You
The communion of Your sufferings gladly shared
That I may know You
And the Life that’s flowing from Your crucifixion
That I may know You
Until in heaven I will see You there

No one on this earth, except a fool
Would try to say that they’ve arrived
My goal can not be reached
As long as this old sinful flesh remains alive
Still I leave the past behind
Like a runner with a prize that lies ahead
And I press onward toward the goal
The upward call, the resurrection from the dead

That I may know You
And the power of Your resurrection
That I may know You
The communion of Your sufferings gladly shared
That I may know You
Life that’s flowing from Your crucifixion
That I may know You
Until in heaven I will see You there

Higher up!
I hear Your Word of power call me higher
Further in!
The comfort of Your Spirit calms my fears
Higher up!
To live with You is all my heart’s desire
Further in!
Your heart of love forever draws me near

That I may know You
And the power of Your resurrection
That I may know You
The communion of Your sufferings gladly shared
That I may know You
And the Life that’s flowing from Your crucifixion
That I may know You
Until in heaven I will see You there
That I may know You
Until in heaven I will see You there
(Don Francisco)

Thank You, Father, for allowing me into Your presence this morning. Thank You for making a way for me to know You. I know that it is a privilege that came at a high, high price. A price that I will never fully comprehend but will spend eternity thanking You for.

At Peace

2007-08-15T18:48:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to report that I am feeling so much more at peace since my last post. I think I was just able to give it all up and stop wasting energy and time worrying.

This is an excerpt from my prayer journal from this morning's entry:

"I lift our adoption. Sometimes, it is so scary and tiresome. I truly feel like we’ve been on an almost 9 month roller-coaster ride. I just give it all up. I give it to You. I can’t predict what is ahead, so I am done worrying. Benjamin will get here when he gets here. I will trust in You. I hope it is soon. I am still hoping for October. If You have different plans, prepare me for the wait or equip us for him to come home sooner. I trust You for perfect timing. Thank You for giving me peace to do this. Prevent Satan from interfering in this at all. Do not allow him to interfere with Acres of Hope’s ability to minister to the children of Liberia any more. Bind him. Prevent him from doing it. Give Acres of Hope victory over this visa thing. You are bigger and more powerful than he is or over any government interference or power. I am excited to see what You do."

I really feel like the reason I have been on an emotional roller-coaster ride is because of my lack of faith and trust. I've put myself on that roller-coaster, and I have the freedom to step off of it. My peace and rest in this will be proportionate to my ability to trust God.

Our adoption is moving forward smoothly, especially for an international adoption process. I just need to let go of my own expectations, timing, and fears.

Besides, I just read good news. Patty Anglin, the director of Acres of Hope had a very positive meeting with the consular at the US Embassy. It sounds like some good things are going to be put into place to protect children and the consular seemed impressed with the good work that AOH is doing. It also seems that she isn't the "bad guy" I was believing her to be.

Praise God! He is trustworthy.

Please Read and Pray

2007-08-09T22:25:00.000-06:00

My heart is heavy tonight because I've been reading emails on our Acres of Hope Yahoo group about a new situation developing in Liberia with adoptions. I have been trying to catch up on past emails that I've missed and trying to figure out the situation and how it will affect us.

The problem revolves around a newly appointed American consular to the US Embassy in Liberia who apparently has stated it will be her mission to slow down adoptions. The word on the group is that the embassy gets its directions from the State Department in Washington. The email I just read felt like the State Department doesn't want to stop adoptions, but that they are trying to slow them down to such a point that parents will be discouraged and not adopt from this country. The email even said that there is concern that they are now considering requiring parents to stay in country for a month, and if the adoption agency cannot locate the birth parent to your child; then they will not issue a visa.

I'm scared and there is something in me that says, "See. You were right to be afraid that something would go wrong." I feel down and afraid. Please pray for us, but more than that, please pray for all of the kids in these orphanages waiting to come home, especially the special needs kids that desperately need the medical care they will get here. Some are dying and need to be united with their adoptive families to live.

Forgive me Lord for my unbelief.

God just gave me this song to remind me to keep my eyes on Him and to trust:
http://songoffaith.com/mp3s/Albums/BeautifulToMe/BTM_VoyageToGennesaret_DonFrancisco.mp3

Voyage To Gennesaret
by Don Francisco

Eleven men besides myself in a boat both small and light
Pushed off for Gennesaret in the first watch of the night
A storm blew up at midnight coming hard down on the prow
We started losing headway shipping water stem and bow
When someone shouted loud, "Hey, look to starboard on the sea!"
The men screamed out in terror at the form we all could see
A man was walking on the water, and we trembled, cried and prayed
Till He stopped and turned and spoke to us, "It is I, don't be afraid."

I shouted out to Jesus, "If it's You, then call to me,
And tell me how to come to You and walk across the sea."
Without a second's thought He looked at me and answered, "Come!"
My insides turned to water and my mind went blank and numb.
I climbed across the gunwhale looking straight into His eyes
But long before I reached His side, the wind began to rise
I forgot Him in an instant and I sank just like a stone
I cried out, "Jesus save me!" and His hand was on my own."

"Oh man of little faith," He said, "What made you doubt My word?
Have you been this long with Me without knowing what you've heard?"

We climbed into the boat and all at once the wind was gone
The sea turned calm and gentle and the day began to dawn.
We knelt amazed and worshipped Him for the power He displayed
For all that we had seen had left us wondering and dismayed
It was not till after Pentecost I could really understand
But even when I doubted Him,
He did not let go my hand.

Two New Links Added

2007-08-09T09:56:00.000-06:00

I have just added two new links to my "Links of Interest." They are:
A Flicker of Hope is a fundraiser for Acres of Hope Liberia, Benjamin's orphanage. They donate all of the proceeds from their candle sales to the orphanage.
http://www.aflickerofhope.org/

And

http://www.theweathers.onedollaradoption.com/

This is a link to a fundraiser for a family that is desperately trying to raise funds for their adoption. Their little girl is very sick. She is six years old and weighs only 22 pounds. She can receive the medical care she needs when she gets home to her new family, but they are struggling to raise the funds they need to get her home. The hope is that if they can get enough people to donate just one dollar, they will be able to bring her home.

Before I Could Earn It

2007-08-05T12:57:00.000-06:00

The guest speaker at our church's Women's Summer Dinner was a local pastor's wife who is working in Malawi, Africa to build an orphanage there. It was interesting to hear her stories of Malawi, and I think I felt a special connection with her love for Africa because of Benjamin.

The theme of her talk was "The Heart of God" and was based on 1 John 4:19 "We love because He first loved us."

The dinner was in July, but I keep remembering a story that she told us about her daughter's pregnancy with her soon-to-be-born first grandchild. She was laughing about how her daughter and son-in-law talk to the baby, read to the baby, sing to the baby and are fully, and completely devoted and smitten with this baby whom they have never met and who has never had an opportunity to earn that love.

She spoke about how this is an illustration of God's love toward us. This baby's value has already been determined by his or her parents before he or she is even born.

I began thinking about Benjamin and how once again this adoption process has proven to be a beautiful illustration of God's adoption of me. Pat and I and the girls love Benjamin so much and we are so devoted to him and committed to him, yet in reality we don't know him yet. He has never had an opportunity to earn that love. Our commitment to him is a choice, and not based on his behavior or his character or anything he has done. We have chosen to love him.

This past year, God has been working on my heart so much and trying to teach me about who I am in Him, my spiritual identity. He has been shining light on places in my heart and areas of my life that need work. I love how God never shows us what's wrong without also providing a solution. He led me to the book The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee. This book has been life changing for me.

I have been a believer my whole life. I don't even remember when I gave my life to Christ. I have had a head knowledge of grace, but lately God has been revealing to me how I have not been living with a heart knowledge of grace. I have struggled my whole life with wanting to be significant or special. I have tried so hard to be perfect and not break rules or to fail in any way. I've based all of my self-worth on what other people think of me, and I've desperately sought their approval. I knew in my head that I could not earn my way to heaven or earn God's favor, but I was desperate to do everything right so that God and everyone else would think, "Wow. She's special."

I can't stand it when I fail or when I think people don't like me or are angry with me or are judging me. I get jealous easily, and I long for the approval of people who are in leadership positions. I can say with my lips that God's opinion of me matters more than anything else, but I don't live that way. I keep trying to find my self-worth, when God has already given it to me through what Jesus did on the cross. Through this book and through this adoption process, God has been showing me that He has already proven my worth and that He loved me long before I could earn it, and there is nothing I can do to lose it.

Anyway, I am so thankful for a God that loves me, is intimately involved in my life, and who proved His love for me long before I was born. He is so faithful and good. What an awesome God we serve. : )

I'm leaning toward the car theme.....

2007-08-01T21:43:00.000-06:00

I think I'm leaning toward the car theme for Benjamin's bedroom. (Not that I got much comments on my last post....Boo Hoo!!!! I thought my readers might be more opinionated. Hee Hee....)

Thank you, Darbi for leaving this comment:

Hmm...well since you
wanted opinions I'll leave mine! I love the car theme. When we lived in Zambia,
the children were just fascinated with cars and trucks! I think he would love it

That is exactly the kind of advice I was looking for. Thank you!

I tend to lean toward the Pottery Barn for Kids look (I mean, I try to copy their look for cheaper) and I was struggling with the idea of doing a theme like Pooh or Mickey, but thought I'd go with it if it would be familiar and comforting to Benjamin.

Today, I picked out a quilt and I think I'll buy that for him and build the room around that and then throw in a few car accessories.

Here's the quilt I'm thinking about:

This picture shows the color scheme I'm going with. It sure is fun to be doing something that isn't Princess or pink. I loved decorating for my girls, it's just fun to get to do something new.

It feels good to be pushing myself into doing this room. My excitement is building again. : )

Opinion's Please!!

2007-07-30T17:26:00.001-06:00

I'm ready to start working on setting up and decorating Benjamin's bedroom. I want to make it cozy and inviting, but simple and not over-stimulating. I'm planning on using navy and cream w/ some accents of cranberry red and maybe a little hunter green....you know...boy colors! : ) I want to use stripes and maybe a little plaids.

The problem I keep coming up against is what theme to use to decorate. Whatever theme I choose, I want it to just show up in a few accessories or artwork, but not be too much. Nothing seems to grab me yet. It was easier to pick a theme for a baby nursery, but for a two-year-old that I don't know yet it is more difficult. I don't want anything that could be too scary or unfamiliar to him. It's hard to know what might be meaningful or what he might enjoy.

Here's some thoughts that I've had:
1. In the most recent pictures we got of him, he was holding a matchbox car. I have been considering doing a car theme.

2. In some of the photos of the orphanage that I've seen, there are Winnie the Pooh paintings on the wall. I've never been a huge Pooh fan, but I like the idea of choosing something that might be familiar to him and soothing. I'm not sure though if the pictures I'm looking at are the big kids orphanage and not the baby orphanage where he is at. I was hoping maybe some of you who have been to Liberia might be able to help me on this one. Would Pooh and friends be familiar/comforting?

3. He also had a Mickey Mouse on his t-shirt, so I considered that as well.

I read a hilarious story on one of the other adoption blogs I read about a family who painted Nemo on the wall of the bedroom for their adopted son. They found him staring at the wall and asked him what he was looking at. He told his dad with longing in his voice, "I wish I could take that fish off the wall and eat it." Heeeheee.....This is what I'm trying to avoid....choosing a theme that might just make Benjamin hungry.....or evoke an emotion that I didn't even think about.

Whatever we go with it will be very little, just enough to be fun and dress up the room a little bit. So I'd love it if you'd leave me a comment and tell me your votes/opinions/other suggestions????

I've Been a Bad Blogger

2007-07-29T22:05:00.000-06:00

Dear Faithful Readers,
I have been an inconsistent blogger lately. I am sorry and hope that you, my faithful supporters, won't give up on me. : )

Something happened this summer. I have had a really busy schedule and also took three trips within two months, but I don't think I can blame my lack of blogging on busyness.

I think part of the problem was the unknown of when Benjamin will come home. I just couldn't maintain my enthusiasm or excitement any longer. I was just so tired of being in limbo. The easiest thing to do was to distance myself from the adoption world for a little while before I went crazy from impatience.

I also believe that fear has been another reason for my lack of blogging. I was up late one Friday night with my girl friends a few week back. I was emotional and tired and feeling overwhelmed by how busy I had allowed myself to become. Being the good friends that they are, they decided to have an intervention and make me promise that I would let go of some of the many things I had on my plate. The discussion came around to Benjamin and they talked about how I've been too busy to do any of the fun things of preparing for him. They pointed out that I hadn't even started decorating his room yet. I think because of it being so late, and the fact that I was already emotional, the truth came out. I blurted out, "But I'm afraid that he isn't really going to come home, so I don't want to get ready for him yet. If I stay super busy I don't have to feel how afraid I really am."

After all of my pregnancy losses and all of the stories on the AOH yahoo group of the families who have lost their referrals for varying reasons, I have been holding my breath waiting for my next "miscarriage." Now that the truth is out there, I'm trying to step out in faith and believe that my little boy will be coming home soon.

For all of you faithful readers, I wanted to let you know that we have finally done it! We have cleaned out the playroom! It is empty, the carpets have been cleaned, and many, many, many toys have mysteriously disappeared from our home. The toys that are left have moved into the girls' shared bedroom and they all have a home. The room is now ready to be transformed from a princess playland to a little boy's bedroom. Sometimes, I like to stand in the middle of the empty room and go, "AHHHHHH" It is such relief to let go of all of that toy clutter.

Well, thank you for not giving up on me. I'll try to be a better blogger from now on and not give in to my impatience and fear.

Happy Birthday Benjamin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-07-24T07:51:00.000-06:00

Today is July 24th, Benjamin's 2nd birthday! We all woke up this morning with Benjamin on our minds. I laid in bed this morning before I got up, thinking about him and wondering what his day is going to be like today. I really long to have him here with us.

The first thing my five-year-old said to her little sister this morning was, "Amy, do you know what day it is today? Today is BENJAMIN'S BIRTHDAY!!"

The girls wanted to send their own birthday wishes to their little brother:

"Benjamin, Happy Birthday! You are turning 2. I hope you have a good day!

Signed Your Loving Sister, Karissa"

"This is your big sister, Amy. I love you. I hope you come home soon and
quick. I wish you could come home soon and safe. You're turning 2! And Happy
Birthday. This is Amy."

Happy birthday, Benjamin. Your family loves you!

Please Pray for Spencer and the Wilson Family

2007-07-12T22:57:00.000-06:00

The Wilson family lives here and they are in the process of adopting Spencer and Siah, two Liberian kids that are in the Acres of Hope program. They are an amazing family, and I've been so moved by their patience and faith throughout their wait for Spencer.

Spencer is a true orphan who has been living in the Firestone Hospital in Liberia since he was an infant. Acres of Hope and the Wilson Family long to see him able to be a part of a family instead of being a child raised in a hospital, but for some reason, the hospital has fought them and will not release Spencer. They have been waiting for over a year now.

When Patty Anglin, the director of AOH returns to Liberia in August, she is going to work hard to get Spencer released for adoption and home to the family that loves him. Please pray for her efforts and for the Wilson family as they struggle with a wait that is unknown in how long it will be.

My heart broke for Rachel Wilson, when I read this paragraph on her blog today:

When she (Patty Anglin) went with the Petersons to pick up Mama/Ruby from Firestone, Spencer ran to her. She picked him up and he put his hands on her face, making her look
him in the eyes and asked, "Grandma, when is it my turn?" I broke down when she told us that and my eyes are stinging with tears again in the retelling of it. She told him that God has his timing and that neither he nor she has forgotten him. It all just tears my heart out. He wants to come home, friends. My one consolation through all of this has been that Spencer is happy where he's at and oblivious that anything is wrong with his current situation. Now I know that is not the case. I'm undone.

Please pray for this little boy and his waiting forever family. I am so impatient to have Benjamin home and my wait has been nothing compared to what theirs has been. Please pray for peace and comfort for Rachel and her husband, Aaron. Spencer deserves to be in a home and in a family that loves him, instead of growing up as a ward of a hospital. There is going to be a giant celebration when this little boy comes home.

A Day in the Life of Benjamin

2007-07-07T23:43:00.000-06:00

I just got an email on the yahoo group about what the routine is like at the orphanage. It was so neat to see written out what a day in the life of Benjamin is like. It makes me feel close to him and will make it so much easier to structure our life when he gets home.

The kids get up around 7 and are in bed at night by 7:30. His daily routine includes two baths a day because of the heat, playtime, preschool, and three meals a day. Each night before bed there is an evening devotion for the kids. I love knowing that he is hearing about Jesus on a daily basis and getting a good spiritual foundation. I'm also glad to know that naps are still a daily part of his day! I think I'll join him for some of those when he gets home. : )

I'm so thankful that my little boy is not in an institution somewhere, but is in a home, with predictable structure and lots of love. He's getting fed and cared for physically and spiritually.

It's midnight here, but he should be waking up in about an hour there and starting a new day. It is such a gift to know basically what he will be doing throughout that day. Right now, I can just imagine him fast asleep. I can't wait for the day when I can sneak into his room and watch him sleeping in person.

My Philosophy of Life

2007-07-01T10:12:00.000-06:00

Hey e-friends......I'd love to have your feedback on this. I am participating in a six-week fitness competition at our health club and as part of our team building, our coach has asked us to write out our philosophy of life and then share it with the team. I thought I'd start here and get your feedback before I share it with my fitness team. Would you comment on what you like, agree with, disagree with, would change, etc. I'd totally appreciate it. I'm just curious what others think of what I am thinking. Here it is:

My Philosophy of Life:

Wow. This is such an interesting question and exercise. I guess I define “philosophy of life” as my purpose in life, the answer to why I am here, and the legacy I want to leave. It should be the driving force behind all that I am, choose, say, believe, do, etc.

I believe the purpose of life is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever. My life should be so characterized by love, that I put “skin on Jesus” and point other people to Him. Jesus said that His true disciples would be known by their love. He didn’t say they would be known by their religion. So I want to leave a legacy of love, not a legacy of being perfect, or following some set of rules out of duty, but to live a life that is marked by love.

A lot of people think they are giving me a compliment when they say “Becky, you are so religious,” but to me that isn’t a compliment at all. I see religion as man’s attempt to approach God on our own terms and traditions and rituals, when what God wants is relationship and to accept Him on His terms. In order to do that, I need to study the Bible and really live it, not cafeteria-style, picking and choosing only what I like or agree with, but the way God, the Maker of all, said it should be. It would be so much more of a compliment to me to say, “Becky, you are a friend of God.”

So, I want to not just know about God, I want to know Him, and I want everything I do, including my fitness journey, to be about pleasing Him and pointing other people to Him. When Matt talked about this journey being the “Path of Most Resistance,” I guess that is the philosophy I have most recently embraced. I think it will refine my character and make me more like Jesus. I also know that if when people chose to follow Jesus they were exempt from the trials of this life, the heartache and pain, then no one would choose Him for Him, they would choose Him as a “get out of jail free card.” So, lately, my mantra has been “Pain is not the Enemy.” It produces in my life the good fruit that I want others to see, it makes me more like Jesus who embodies everything I want to be, and when other people see that because I belong to Him, I’m carried through the tough stuff, that will bring other people to Him.

So, I guess my philosophy of life boils down to these values: Jesus, family, other people, love, and following the narrow path less traveled.

You're Always There

2007-06-30T11:10:00.000-06:00

http://songoffaith.com/mp3s/Albums/ThePackage/TP_AlwaysThere_DonFrancisco.mp3

Follow this link to listen to this song. I hope it blesses you, like it did me today. It takes a few seconds to download. I like to listen and read the lyrics at the same time, so here are the lyrics:

Always There

by Don Francisco

Closing the door, I leave the world behind me
Lifting my hands to You,
You’re always there
You’re always there

All of the joy that this world denies me
Flows from Your heart every time
I come to You,
Your love shines through
Whenever I come to You.

You call me by name at the sound my soul rejoices
Heaven descends and Your glory fills the air.
Every prayer, every heart’s desire has found its answer
As You tell me once again, that Your love will never end.
You’re my Savior, my Friend who is always there.

All through the day as Your Spirit leads me
No matter where I go, I’m still with You, still with You
Though I may walk through the Valley’s shadow,
I will not be afraid, because You lead me through,
I know that Your Word is true,
And I put my trust in You.

You call me by name at the sound my soul rejoices.
Heaven descends and Your glory fills the air.
Every prayer, every heart’s desire has found its answer.
With Your arms around me there, You tell me again You care,
You’re my Father, my Friend who’s always there.

You call me by name at the sound my soul rejoices.
Heaven descends and Your glory fills the air.
Every prayer, every heart’s desire has found its answer.
With Your arms around me there, You tell me again You care.
You’re my Father, my Friend who’s always there,
You’re always there!

I grew up on Don Francisco's music. I love his heart and how freely he shares the songs that God has given him to sing. If you'd like to listen to more go to: http://www.rockymountainministries.org/membersite.html

These are some of the songs I really like and remember from my childhood, but they are all nostalgic to me, so I like them all:

In "The Package":

Bird With Broken Wing

Turn it Around

In "Beautiful to Me:

Beautiful to Me

Voyage to Gennesaret

I Could Never Promise You

Steeple Song

In "That I May Know You":

Shelter of Your Wings

That I May Know You

In "He's Alive" Collection:

I'll Never Let Go of Your Hand

I Don't Care Where You've Been Sleeping

Brother of the Son

New Pictures of Benjamin

2007-06-27T17:00:00.000-06:00

(Edit: 6/29/07: I was off on my estimate of how soon Benjamin will be able to come home. I thought that all of the stuff that has to be done after the adoption is finalized would take 6 weeks, but I just read on the AOH yahoo group that it is more like 2 - 3 months after the adoption is finalized before the child is ready to travel. No wonder you were surprised by my time-line, Rae. Boo-hoo....I like my time-line better. Looks like I at least have a due date now of around October or November.)

I am on cloud-nine! I just got an email update on Benjamin and THREE NEW PICTURES!!! Here's my beautiful son:

Are those dimples?????

Hey, Grandpa. Do you see my T-Shirt? It must be a sign! I'm going to be your fishing buddy. : )

This is my favorite picture. Oh, my heart hurts with how much I want to hug my little boy. I can't wait!

Donna at AOH said that she would estimate our adoption being finalized in August. Then there would be approx. 6 more weeks after that before he would be ready to come home. It's just a guess, but feels so good to know where we are at.

I am so grateful for pictures!!!!! Please keep praying for Benjamin and for the whole process.

The Song I'm Singing Today

2007-06-27T10:14:00.000-06:00

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Tributes

2007-06-17T10:16:00.000-06:00

Happy Father's Day!

I wanted to use my blog this morning to honor two amazing men and fathers, my husband, Pat, and my dad, Roy Abshire.

Pat:
When I was a little girl, I started praying for my future husband. I have been so blessed over the past 8 years to see how God has answered those prayers exceedingly more than I could have asked for in Pat. One of the ways that God answered my prayers was to give me a man who is a great dad.

Pat has sacrificed a lot in order to allow me to be a homemaker and stay-at-home mom for Karissa and Amy. He works hard as a police officer and puts his life on the line daily. The girls and I take a lot of pride in the job that he does. The girls are always telling people, "Did you know that my daddy is a police officer?" He loves providing for us and taking care of us. He's a rock that we lean on. He takes good care of his girls. : )

All week long, the girls ask me, "Is it tickle day yet?" Tickle day is what they call Pat's days off. They have so much fun wrestling with daddy and playing on tickle day.

One of the things I love to see is not just that the girls have fun with daddy, but they respect him and admire him so much. We all do. He does a great job of lovingly disciplining them and shaping them into future women of God. He makes them feel secure and loved and has taught them to be such good girls. It makes me happy that my girls are going to grow up having a great model of what it means to be a godly and good husband and daddy. It also makes me happy that Benjamin is going to have such an amazing daddy to raise him and help him grow into a great dad and husband himself.

Pat- Sorry if this is too mushy for you. I just woke up so grateful for you and had to tell the world. I love you! Happy Father's Day from Your Girls.

Dad:

I will never take for granted how good it was to be raised by my dad. I had such a happy, memorable childhood and I KNOW that this is a gift. One time in high school, my brother, Ben, and I went to Dairy Queen together for lunch. While we were eating, we started talking about our family. Ben looked at me and said, "How did we get so lucky?" That is an amazing tribute in itself to a dad, that his two high school kids loved each other enough to want to be out to lunch together, and spent the lunch wondering how they got so lucky to have such a great family.

I used to love holding my daddy's big hands. My dad is a big guy and he always made me feel so safe and special. I loved sitting next to him in church, leaning on his big arms or holding his big hands, listening to him sing.

Nobody "gets" me like my dad. I guess it is because we are so much alike. He understands how I think, the things I struggle with, and the things that I dream of. He has always been my biggest fan and cheerleader. I get embarrassed sometimes about how he brags about me. He has always used words to tell me he thinks I'm beautiful, smart, and that he's proud of me. I've never had to guess.

My kids ADORE Grandpa (and his pancakes and sausage). We are all so blessed by him.

I love you, Dad! I wish I could be closer to you so I could tell you in person all of this. You are the Best Dad in the Universe! (You and Pat are tied now for this honor.....I hope you understand, hee hee) Love, Bopps

Becoming the PERFECT Mom

2007-06-12T18:54:00.000-06:00

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and thinking lately about what I've been calling my "Period of Preparation." I know that there is a reason why God has asked me to be patient while I wait for the perfect timing of Benjamin's homecoming, and I want to use that time wisely.

However, I think maybe I have been analyzing this too much, because I find myself so discouraged by my weaknesses and failures. I just want to be the PERFECT mom. Is that too much to ask? : )

I keep thinking about what I need to learn and how I need to grow as a wife, mother, and homemaker before our life changes drastically. Every time I have moments of weariness, irritability, immaturity, or the housework piles up, I condemn myself and start listening to the lies that are meant to discourage me.

So as I work through my spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional "to-do list" I'm going to have to resign myself to the fact that no matter how much time God gives me and no matter how hard I work on my self-improvement plan, I am never going to achieve perfection.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to make the most of the time that I am given to prepare, but God has been reminding my heart lately that there will not be some magic moment when I am the perfect mom and ready for Ben to come home. Jesus will be perfect for me in my weakness. It just seems like every setback or every little failure as a mom is magnified when it happens because I panic and think, "I've got to get that fixed in myself before our adoption is complete." I panic and subconsciously wonder if six months is enough time to perfect myself. Then I am reminded of 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made
perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my
weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for
Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in
persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I've been really struggling lately with weariness. Maybe it's just a cold coming on or all in my head, but I have been really fighting fatigue lately and it's been hard to keep up with everything. I am clinging to this promise today:

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting
God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or
weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to
the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired
and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the
LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like
eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
- Isaiah 40:28-31

I need to remember that it is God who began this process, it will be God who completes it, and it will be God who will cover where I fail. I will be strong in His strength and by His power, not by my own.

So, I will be working on things like cleaning up the playroom, getting rid of some of my laziness and selfishness, getting our days more structured and organized, etc....but I will not be expecting to become Super Becky: The Perfect Mom, before Benjamin comes home.

More Thoughts on Simplifying....

2007-06-10T11:20:00.000-06:00

I still have a lot to do in the area of simplifying. I think the best plan is to enlist the help of my husband in the toy room, because he is so unattached emotionally to stuff. He was born organized and after eight years of marriage, I have loved what I've learned from him. It feels good to let go of things, and I've never missed the things he's asked me to part with.

For all of you fellow pack rats out there, I recommend skipping the yard sale route and just giving it away quickly before you can change your mind or form any deeper emotional attachments to it. We tried a yard sale this weekend that was fun, but the work it takes to set one up doesn't pay off, and I've found that giving it away is a lot more gratifying than trying to sell your stuff. That being said, yard sales are a fun option if you are up for it.

Our neighborhood did a community yard sell that we participated in on Saturday, but unfortunately every other subdivision in the city seemed to choose the same weekend to do their community yard sales as well. We competed with some of the larger, more popular neighborhood yard sales, and lost. We are going to try again next weekend since everything is already set up and priced and that will give me an opportunity to find more to sell.

My daughters (4 yo and 5 yo) had a lot of fun with the sale. It took awhile for them to join in (they are a lot less excited about Mom's conviction to simplify than Mom is), but eventually they got excited about finding toys to sell. They made $2 each on Saturday, and hopefully, they'll get more next weekend. We are using it as an opportunity to train them to give (tithe), save, and spend their money. We go to the Saturday night service at our church, so they got to immediately experience taking a portion of their money from the yard sale to give as their gift to Jesus for the children in India. It was a good learning experience for them.

I like Rae's suggestion of asking for experiences. I've also done that myself, but I haven't asked specifically for that only. I think this year when I get the question around Christmas time about what would the girls like, I'm going to ask for a family zoo pass, passes to the Discovery Center, music CD's, and a magazine subscription for my youngest. This year for her fifth birthday, Karissa received a subscription to "High Five Magazine." It is the preschool version of Highlights Magazine and it was a GREAT gift. She asks me daily to stop by the mailbox to see if her magazine has arrived. The anticipation of something coming in the mail is great for her. I know that there are lots of children's magazines for all ages that would make a great gift that can be recycled after it has been thoroughly enjoyed. I'm just thankful that we are all done with birthdays for the year, so I have a lot of time before Christmas to figure all of this out and organize and let go of what we do have. I've also heard the quote, "You can't organize clutter, you can only move it around. You have to get rid of it." Isn't it amazing how much stuff can drain the life out of us?

Well, I guess I've thoroughly explored this topic in my quest to figure out how to prepare for Benjamin's homecoming and how to use the long wait time without going crazy. Stay tuned for Part Two of Becky's Period of Preparation Discussion. Hee Hee.