Wow. These past few weeks have been really tough. My anxiety level has been through the roof. I think it is mostly accumulated stress, and I just hit a point where my body can't take it anymore and is fighting back.
I went to see the doctor about it on Friday, and we talked about ways to reduce stress, activities that need to go, lifestyle changes to make, and she is doing some blood work to see what's going on with me.
In our conversation, there was confirmation for some of the things that my husband has been asking me to do regarding our adoption for a long time. I posted awhile ago about how he said I need to just quit thinking about it and stressing about it and just wait for God and Acres of Hope to tell us it is time.
I haven't been able to "just stop thinking about it." I think a part of me feels like if I don't think about it, read about, pray about it, prepare for it, I'm less of a mother and I really don't care about my son. Being engrossed in the adoption stuff is my way of showing my love for our future son, just like a pregnant woman reads books about fetal development, paints the nursery, talks about the baby non-stop, etc.
The problem is that the adoption process is so full of ups and downs, expectations and excitement, discouragement and hopelessness, feelings like it is never really going to happen, and then good news that makes you more and more impatient for your child to be home. Now that I've seen the beautiful pictures of our Jeremiah, and read about his sweet personality, it makes the ups and downs, and discouraging news out of Liberia, all that much harder to take. I long for him to be right here! It truly is a roller coaster ride, and personally I've made somewhat of an idol of the ride
I am on my laptop several times a day reading posts on the Yahoo group, checking blogs, hitting "Check Mail" on my email inbox hoping for new news. I went a little overboard, and now I am feeling conviction that it is time to let the roller coaster come to a stop, climb out, and walk away from the ride. The Yahoo groups and blogs have allowed me to make connections with amazing, wonderful people that I truly care about, and I want to know what is going on in their lives, but for a season, I think I need to check out. I need to limit myself to scanning the Yahoo group on a weekly, or maybe even bi-weekly basis. I need to limit my blog reading and just enjoy what is true about right now, in this home, and spend more time loving on my family.
I hate that the adoption process has bottle necked in Liberia and that it could be a very long time before our son has a visa to come home. I love him already, and wish I could jump on a plane and go get him, but the fact that the process is so vague and unpredictable and stressful, makes me feel like I need to deliberately stop reading about it, and just live until that great day when the phone call or email comes with more photos or info, or the BIG one when they tell us it is finally time to get our little JJ.
I'm not writing off you wonderful friends!!! I will be praying just as much as ever. I'm just taking a break from information, if that makes sense. : )
The other day I was reading through my past blog entries, back in January, and a lot of times I would write a little note to our son. I miss doing that, so here it goes:
Jeremiah, I think about you all the time. When I look at the clock, I add the hours to mine to see where you are at in your day, and I daydream about what you might be doing. I pray for your heart and for your health. I can't wait to hold you and read to you, to pray over you and sing to you. I can't wait for you to play with your sisters and see how much love they have for you. I can't wait to see you being your Daddy's buddy. He sure needs another boy around here. He's really outnumbered! We all love you so much!
God bless you, Baby Boy! Love, Mommy