Thursday, December 20, 2007

Longing for JJ

With the news of this pregnancy, I have been longing for JJ to be home more than ever. I am thrilled about both babies joining our family, but I feel like I need some time with JJ before the new baby comes. Time to bond and for him to have my full attention before he has to share it.

I have had a few adoptive moms who have recently returned from Liberia tell me that they saw JJ while they were there and recognized him because he is so adorable and striking. I must say I agree and these comments (Katy and Amber....THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart) have warmed my heart and made me ache to have him home soon.

It is vague when his homecoming will be. I feel pessimistic about the timing without a miraculous intervention. But I believe wholeheartedly in miraculous interventions. I will wait on the Lord to see what He has planned.

I started my injections for the pregnancy yesterday. They aren't bad at all. It is so comforting to be doing something this time instead of just trying again. Ultimately, though, I know that everything is in His hands.

I am relying on scripture a lot to deal with anxiety. Psalm 139 is a good one:

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Well.....We Have Unexpected News : )

(note added to original post at the bottom)

You know how the family photo on the right says, "Our family will soon be growing?" Well, it will be growing even more than we expected. : )

Two lines means pregnant right?

Many of you know our pregnancy history and can understand my fears. Please pray for us. This is wonderful news! I am so happy....yet so afraid. Please pray that I will have peace and joy and NO FEAR! God is good and in control. He is the giver of life and I trust Him.

We just found out, but we didn't want to keep it a secret because we know how much we need support and prayers. Thank you for loving us and praying for us. As Amy said yesterday, "Now JJ is going to be a big brother!"

I will be trying a new treatment this time around. I will be taking baby aspirin and giving myself daily injections of Lovenox, a blood thinner. The blood tests that we did never showed a cause for why the babies' hearts stopped beating, but my history is very similar to a clotting disorder, so we are hoping that this will be a helpful thing this time around. I'll keep you updated on our growing family!

Love you all.

Note added at 10 PM: Some of the comments mentioned that you were unfamiliar with my pregnancy here it is: My first two pregnancies with Karissa and Amy in 2002 and 2003 were perfect and easy. When we tried for our third child, however, we lost four babies in a row. I was five months pregnant with our baby boy, David, when his heart stopped beating. After David, we had an early miscarriage, and then we had two more pregnancies, one a baby boy and the last one a baby girl, where the babies' hearts also just mysteriously stopped beating. It has been a year and a half since my last miscarriage, so I'm hoping that my body has had time to recover and that this new treatment will be a success. Thank you for praying for this baby.

Friday, December 14, 2007

What They Want for Christmas

Karissa, Amy and I were in the kitchen the other day listening to the radio. A Christmas song was on that kept using the word Immanuel in it. I saw it as a teachable moment, so here is how our conversation went:

I asked them, "Girls, do you know what Immanuel means?"

They answered that they didn't, so I said, "It means, 'God with us.' It is one of Jesus' names. It means that He is God with us."

The girls were quiet for awhile, and I thought they had moved on to other things until Karissa said, "Mommy, do you know what I want for Christmas?"

"No, honey, what do you want for Christmas?"

She got a sweet smile on her face and answered, "I want Immanuel."

My heart melted! Oh the faith of a child. I wish we all had this Christmas wish on our wish lists. Oh, Lord help me to have a heart that says, "Daddy, You know what I want for Christmas? You. I want You this holiday season." I was deep in thought, when Amy decided she didn't want to miss the opportunity.

"I want a Disney Princess Baby Daycare!" She said. : )

Trouble With My Header

Anyone else having issues with your blog template today? I'm not sure what happened to the image on my header- You should be able to see all of JJ, not just his mouth. Hmmmmm.....Any ideas????

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Self-Pity and Pessimism

I was all set tonight to write a post about how pessimistic I am feeling about our adoption lately and to share a bunch of reasons I have been feeling sorry for myself lately...weight gain, no clothes for a Christmas party, bad hair-do, etc.

Before I posted tonight, though, I was blog-surfing. I landed on a blog of a young woman (only two years older than me) who just lost her battle with cancer last week, leaving a loving husband and three young children under the age of five. Reading her story took all the oomph out of my self-pity. Instead, I am going to bed thankful for this day with my girls. I may be chubby and have a funky new hair-do, but I'm alive and healthy and so in love with this family Jesus gave me.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

My Friend Joins the Blogging World

My friend Daiquiri just joined the world of blogging. Stop by and say hi. Tell her that Becky sent you. : )

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Family Portrait, Happy Birthday Grandpa, and the Songs I'm Singing Today

Karissa's Family Portrait

Yesterday, my girls spent time playing with friends and Karissa came home with this drawing of her family.

Happy 56th Birthday Grandpa!

Friday, December 7th, was my dad's 56th birthday. We are so many miles away from Grandpa, we were sad we couldn't celebrate with him. Not wanting to miss a chance for celebration and sugar, we decided to celebrate in honor of him. : ) Happy Birthday Dad! We love you.

The Songs I'm Singing Today:


You guide me through the dark
You calm my fearful heart
I will rest in You
You give me perfect peace
Fulfill my deepest needs
I will rest in You.

Shining like the Sun
Let your Kingdom come,
I want to be with You
In Your Presence
I'm here to give You praise
You take my breath away
And now I’m here with You
In Your Presence

Your Kindness draws me in
Now I'm with You once again
I will rest in You
My God who reigns on high
To You alone I cry
I will rest in You

(Phil Wickham)

I Will Offer Up My Life

I will offer up my life
In spirit and truth,
Pouring out the oil of love
As my worship to You
In surrender I must give my every part
Lord, receive the sacrifice
Of a broken heart

Jesus, what can I give, what can I bring
To so faithful a friend, to so loving a King?
Savior, what can be said, what can be sung
As a praise of Your name
For the things You have done?
Oh my words could not tell, not even in part
Of the debt of love that is owed
By this thankful heart

You deserve my every breath
For You've paid the great cost;
Giving up Your life to death,
Even death on a cross
You took all my shame away,
There defeated my sin
Opened up the gates of heaven
And have beckoned me in

Jesus, what can I give, what can I bring
To so faithful a friend, to so loving a King?
Savior, what can be said, what can be sung
As a praise of Your name
For the things You have done?
Oh my words could not tell, not even in part
Of the debt of love that is owed
By this thankful heart

(Matt Redman)

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Tuesday, December 4, 2007

More Than You Wanted to Know- My 100th Blog Post

I cannot believe that I have posted 100 times on this blog. I guess I had a lot to say???? I've heard that it is blog tradition to post a "100 Things" list.

I've been consumed with "stuff" and worries today and not getting much done, so this will be a good distraction for me. I just hope you wanted to know all of this stuff:

100 Things About Becky

1. I was born in 1976
2. I grew up in Washington State.
3. I was born blind in one eye. When I was two years old, we traveled to Memphis, Tennessee for an eye surgery that saved my eye but not my sight. It was a brand new surgical technique that they use today to save the sight of newborns. I had about 40 international doctors following me around. I feel good about being a part of something that is doing good today for babies.

4. My blind eye is smaller than my other eye and I cock my head a lot to see better. I used to be so insecure about it, but now I see it as one of those blessings in disguise.

5. I have one younger brother, Ben, who used to be my "little" brother but is now much taller than me. We don't look anything alike, he's blond, green-eyed, and very fair. I'm just all brown. : ) I love my brother and we were unusually close friends growing up. I've always known that that was a special thing.

6. I love football. I know this is rare for a girl, but my dad was a high school football coach growing up, so I started going to games in the womb. I don't know the game like someone who has played it, but I love it as a fan. I love to hear the band, the crunch of pads, the licorice ropes, all of it. Sometimes, I put games on TV that I'm not interested in, just to hear the noise.

7. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mommy. I had 22 dolls growing up that all slept with me and my dad had to kiss them all goodnight when he tucked me into bed at night.

8. I'm a people-pleaser and an approval addict.
9. I love beauty.
10. I cry during Hallmark commercials.
11. I love to dance. I did a lot of country swing dancing when I was in college and miss it.
12. I feel nature deprived. I don't get out enough. I love camping, hiking, skiing, etc. but I'm not a self-starter and kind of a homebody.
13. I can sort of draw.
14. I can sort of play the piano
15. I can sort of sew.
16. I guess you can call me a jack-of-all-trades-master-of none.
17. I didn't "discover" chocolate until college. Wow! I sure was missing something.
18. I have continually been on a diet my entire life! (Well, at least since 5th grade) No one ever wanted to trade school lunches with me. Somehow my skinny bread, measured mayonnaise, and V8 just weren't all that appealing.
19. These are some of the careers I considered being 'when I grew up": missionary, teacher to the deaf, marine biologist, journalist, author, international business saleswoman selling apples to the Japanese and Mexican markets, but what I became was a teacher and a mommy. I chose right. : )
20. I've always been a scardy-cat.
21. I'm still afraid of the dark.
22. I'm loyal
23. I'm a low-maintenance friend.
24. I hate confrontation
25. I get nervous stomach aches
26. I chew my fingernails.
27. I dream of being an author.
28. If I could go back to high school, I'd be so much less serious. I would have fun this time around.
29. I almost died when my GPA was ruined by an A- in my Junior year.
30. I'm proud that I was a friend to everyone back then.
31. I don't remember how old I was when I gave my life to Jesus.
32. My dad- who was an atheist at the time - and I would have theological discussions. (I was 5) He'd tell me that some people need God and he was glad I had God, but he didn't need him.
33. I would get so excited when I saw Daddy reading his "The Good News" Bible. I didn't know then that he was trying to disprove the Bible.
34. Some doctors and their wives shared Jesus with my parents and Dad says they couldn't have argued him into the Kingdom of Heaven, but they loved him in. He said they "put skin on Jesus" for him. He couldn't deny Jesus anymore because he could see Him in them.
35. I want to put skin on Jesus for people.
36. I was baptised when I was 8 years old. My dad baptised me. I was little, but I knew it was my way of telling the world that I loved Jesus and wanted to follow him forever.
37. I had a sweet dating relationship in high school, but after that ended I was dating-challenged until I met Pat while I was student teaching.
38. I'm glad God made me wait for my prince charming.
40. I did my student teaching in a 5th grade classroom with an amazing teacher named Mrs. Wilson. I learned so much from Mrs. Wilson!
41. I was a reading specialist assistant as my first official job.
42. I taught 6th grade for three years until my daughter was born.
43. She weighted 9 lbs. 9 oz!!!! She is such a little thing now, you'd never know.
44. My first daughter was only 4 months old when we conceived our second daughter. I was scared to death!
45. I would do it on purpose now.
46. My daughters have the sweetest relationship. I always wished I had a sister. I'm so glad they have each other.
47. I am biased, but I think I have the two most beautiful little girls in the whole wide world.
48. I am SO THANKFUL that I get to be a stay at home mom.
49. I love to learn new things.
50. I get excited about the things I study and learn and then want to tell everyone about it.
51. I'm reading the book, Epicenter, by Joel Rosenberg right now and find it fascinating! I am very interested in what is happening in the Middle East right now.
52. I am the world's WORST procrastinator.
53. I spend way too much time worrying about what other people think of me.
54. I really do love to why don't I? : )
55. My dad and I use to try to name the different colors in a sunset. I love sunsets.
56. I really love Christmas.
57. I wished it snowed more here. It is almost always 40 degrees around here in the winter. Yuck! What a useless temperature. Too cold to play outside, too warm to have snow.
58. I get excited for each new season.
59. I like to imagine what Heaven will be like.
60. I can't make decisions to save my life. Big decisions are a torture.
61. I love to read.
62. I never have enough time in a day to do what I wish I could do.
63. My husband is my anchor. Every time I need strength, there he is.
64. I've kind of got a melancholy personality.
65. I need to be told to go to bed at night.
66. I have watched the A&E version of Pride and Prejudice four times that I can think of. Since that is a 6 hour show, I've spent 24 hours of my life watching it. I've got the hots for Mr. Darcy. Don't tell Pat. : )
67. I also love the Anne of Green Gables books and movies. I've watched and read them too many times to count.
68. Somehow I can turn on my laptop and hours disappear.
69. It is so much fun to me to read out loud to our girls. I'm reading them the Wizard of Oz books right now. We all get a kick out of the Scarecrow. He's pretty funny.
70. I can speak quite a bit of Spanish. I used to speak a lot more than I do now. It is amazing how much you can lose if you don't use it.
71. I have very fond memories of a mission trip I took to Mexico City when I was 14. It put a love for missions in my heart that I hope I can experience more someday.
72. I wish we were traveling to Liberia, but I see Pat's wisdom in the reasons why we aren't.
73. My greatest heartbreak of my lifetime has been my pregnancy losses.
74. I have four babies waiting for me in heaven: David, Micah, James, and Sarah. I'm so thankful my relationship with them is just interrupted and not lost.
75. My greatest heartbreak is being used to make me a more compassionate, stronger person who can relate to other hurting people.
76. I teach a women's bible study on Monday mornings with the greatest group of women. Most of them are older and wiser than me, so I'm not sure why I'm the leader.
77. I am writing a book, not the one I thought I'd be writing, but I'm excited about seeing it finished. It's nonfiction when I dreamt about being a novelist, but I can see God's purpose in this, and I'm excited to see what he is going to do with it.
78. I worry a lot about my family and friends who don't know Jesus. I wish I was better at introducing Him to people.
79. I have been a Christian for almost 30 years, but I am just now starting to figure out and understand grace.
These are some of the books that have changed my life:
80. The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee
81. The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O'Martian
82. Humility by Andrew Murray
83. To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
84. Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard
85. I've said it many times on this blog before. But so much of the Bible got inside of me through Don Francisco's music.
86. I've always admired my Nana and my Grandma. Nana has a way of making things beautiful and Grandma has a way of living life to its fullest.
87. I like sending letters the old fashioned way.
88. I collect stationary.
89. I am proud of my handwriting.
90. I wish I could sing. (At least in a way that people would want to listen to) My babies were my captive audience.
91. I am so thankful for the old hymns and choruses that are still inside of me from my childhood church experiences.
92. I went to this amazing summer camp as a kid every summer called Ross Point Baptist Camp in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Some of my absolute best childhood memories are from camp and family camp there. I'd love to go there again.
93. I'm trying to learn how to "wait on the Lord."
94. I'm so thankful for this promise from God: I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Psalm 32:8
95. My favorite feeling in the world is a hug.
96. I love to laugh and be silly.
97. I need a bowl of cereal before bed.
98. I cannot wait for that day when every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord and when everything will be made right again. My heart aches often with the thought, "This isn't the way it is supposed to be." I'm so glad that there is hope of it being "the way it is supposed to be" again and forever.
99. I'm so excited to be Jeremiah's Mommy. I wonder who else God has planned to be our children?
100. I am so incredibly blessed and thankful for my life.
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