Dear Faithful Readers,
I have been an inconsistent blogger lately. I am sorry and hope that you, my faithful supporters, won't give up on me. : )
Something happened this summer. I have had a really busy schedule and also took three trips within two months, but I don't think I can blame my lack of blogging on busyness.
I think part of the problem was the unknown of when Benjamin will come home. I just couldn't maintain my enthusiasm or excitement any longer. I was just so tired of being in limbo. The easiest thing to do was to distance myself from the adoption world for a little while before I went crazy from impatience.
I also believe that fear has been another reason for my lack of blogging. I was up late one Friday night with my girl friends a few week back. I was emotional and tired and feeling overwhelmed by how busy I had allowed myself to become. Being the good friends that they are, they decided to have an intervention and make me promise that I would let go of some of the many things I had on my plate. The discussion came around to Benjamin and they talked about how I've been too busy to do any of the fun things of preparing for him. They pointed out that I hadn't even started decorating his room yet. I think because of it being so late, and the fact that I was already emotional, the truth came out. I blurted out, "But I'm afraid that he isn't really going to come home, so I don't want to get ready for him yet. If I stay super busy I don't have to feel how afraid I really am."
After all of my pregnancy losses and all of the stories on the AOH yahoo group of the families who have lost their referrals for varying reasons, I have been holding my breath waiting for my next "miscarriage." Now that the truth is out there, I'm trying to step out in faith and believe that my little boy will be coming home soon.
For all of you faithful readers, I wanted to let you know that we have finally done it! We have cleaned out the playroom! It is empty, the carpets have been cleaned, and many, many, many toys have mysteriously disappeared from our home. The toys that are left have moved into the girls' shared bedroom and they all have a home. The room is now ready to be transformed from a princess playland to a little boy's bedroom. Sometimes, I like to stand in the middle of the empty room and go, "AHHHHHH" It is such relief to let go of all of that toy clutter.
Well, thank you for not giving up on me. I'll try to be a better blogger from now on and not give in to my impatience and fear.