Ramblings

It has been awhile since I've posted because I haven't had anything truly exciting to share. I felt compelled to write tonight, even though nothing has really changed. I think some rambling would be therapeutic for me, so here it goes....Recent thoughts that have gone through my mind:

• We're still waiting on paperwork for our dossier and seem to be stuck. The momentum that we had going in January as we raced to get through our home study documents has fizzled. Thankfully, the call on my heart has not fizzled, in fact, my heart is growing in love for our son. I met a friend for lunch the other day and told her of the fears that I've been dealing with. I've read some accounts of other adoptions lately that have left me nervous and fearful. I told her, "What if I can't love him?" She answered, "But you already do." That is so true. Every day, I love him more. I'm thankful that this process is slow. It has given my heart more and more time to prepare and grow in love. It's weird how I can almost picture him, but not quite. It's similar to the feeling of having a word on the tip of your tongue that you can't quite remember. He's very real in my imagination. I'm glad that God sees him for real.

• I was frustrated on Sunday about the stalled process when I visited my friend who has adopted from China. I whined to her, "Am I ever really going to have a son?" She shared with me how she used to feel the same way as she watched other families' adoptions completed, feeling like it was never really going to happen for her. Then she smiled and said, "But it really does happen. Noelle is home." I needed the reminder that this really is going to happen, just not on my timetable.

• I love how my heart is also growing for the nation of Liberia. I have been watching videos on "You Tube" about Liberia, and I'm amazed at the love that I have for the people and children that I see. I think that they are amazingly beautiful. I have been looking at pictures and videos of other countries and I continue to have compassion, but I am not moved like I am for Liberia. I know that God has clearly confirmed over and over again that our son is in Liberia. It is so nice to have that peace and not be doubting whether or not we chose the right country to adopt from. It is strange to have so little control over who he will be, but my heart is at peace about it knowing that God has already selected our son for us and is directing us to him. Every time I get this ridiculous panic that other people are ahead of us in the process and might receive the referral that we were meant to have, I know I must make God shake His head and say, "Oh, Becky, you of little faith. Have you been with Me this long not to trust me now?"

• When we were doing our home study assignments, one of the assignments was to draw a picture of your future child the way that you imagine them. I am going to try to scan in and post the picture I drew. I'm a little shy about my lack of artistic ability, but I thought it might be fun to be able to compare what are son really looks like to the drawing I made for our homework. When I drew this, I thought we would be adopting two little boys. I'm not closed to that idea either, I have just felt like God has put it on our heart to be focused on one for right now. I'm really curious to see how God leads our family. ("Curious" is a better word than "impatient" to see, which is more of the truth, heehee).

• Wow, this is getting long, but there are just a few more thoughts I wanted to write about before I forget them. God has been reminding me again to trust in His delays and in the wait. I was struck today about how much I have to do and learn before this adoption is complete. I really needed to be reminded to stop living for a future event and to return to living day by day with gratitude for what I have. My life has been so sweet lately. I believe that there are seasons in our lives, and I feel like I am emerging from a long winter into a really sweet, beautiful spring. I just need to enjoy it and quit worrying about speeding up to get to the next hurdle. There is plenty to enjoy right now. I have been having so much fun working out and trying to get in shape. I've been enjoying my girls and this beautiful weather we've had lately. And I have a lot to do to prepare myself spiritually before our adoption is complete. I just needed ANOTHER reminder to chill out and go with God's flow.

• One of the things that I want to be concentrating on in my time of waiting is really praying for my children. I have been praying through a list of spiritual virtues, one for each day of the month, for my kids. I also really want to be diligent in praying for our son's healing. Everything I've read about adoption reminds me that every adopted child will have experienced loss and grief. I want to use this time to begin praying for his healing right now from all that he has endured. I don't need to wait until he gets home to start covering him in prayer and seeking God for his healing, God sees him now, so I want to spend more time lifting him up and praying for the Great Physician to heal him from any emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual hurts he has. I'm also praying that God will prepare all of us to be a family and that the transition, adjustment, attachment, and bonding will be miraculous. I have so much to pray about, read about, to do, and so many areas in me that need to grow and mature, I need to be thankful that God is giving me so much time to get ready. My paper pregnancy will be long, but good for me, and on God's perfect timetable.

Good night for me, almost good morning for you. I pray that you will have a very blessed day. You are growing in my heart everyday. I can't see you or hold you or protect you, but I trust Jesus to do those things for me. I'm already your Mommy in my heart. I love you.