It seems like all of my life, I have lived like life is a track and field event. I keep living for the next hurdle to get over. I'll really start living as soon as I have a boyfriend, after I graduate from college, after I get married, as soon as I'm a mother, when this school year is over, when the baby's born, when this adoption is complete, etc., etc. But what about all the moments in between?
A line from a devotion that I posted in January keeps coming to my mind "But instead of passively waiting, they were actively looking to the Lord each day, what Nouwen calls being “present to the moment.” (See Post from January 14th "Waiting")
I feel like I need to focus on what is true about right now. What does God have for me in this moment, right now? I am finding that He has been asking me to slow down and see the work that He is doing all around me and to be still and know that He is bigger than all that I worry about, and that His delays are purposeful. My job is not to hurry to the next hurdle, but to savor the life I have right now, to grow in my intimacy with Him, and to allow him to use me now, tomorrow will come soon enough.
My big worry lately has been that our adoption process has stalled while we wait for New Jersey to send us Pat's birth certificate. Mine came from Washington immediately, but NJ has been such a pain! We had so much momentum going with the paperwork process and now we have been waiting and waiting and the emotional excitement seems to have died down a little bit. All of these irrational fears have set in, "Oh no, now we aren't really going to follow through." or "What if we take so long, someone else will get matched with the little boy that we were supposed to adopt?" (I feel silly even admitting this one!) Someone in my bible study this morning said, "Maybe you would have been matched with the wrong boy if the birth certificate had come right away. Maybe you would have moved through the process too quickly." I want to hurry, hurry, hurry and get to the next hurdle I have set before me, "THE REFERRAL" when I get to see his face and know his name and know how old he is. I want to rush and get this done! But why? Isn't it enough to know that the God of the universe knows him by name, is concerned about his welfare, knows how many hairs are on his head, and has a beautiful plan for him to join our family at just the right time? Who am I to determine when this should happen? What do I know?
And what a great day today was! I had fun with my girls. Amy snuggled up and fell asleep on my lap. Karissa got all excited when she discovered that she could sound out words she didn't know she knew and was so proud to surprise me that she had picked up the upstairs without being asked. I got to sit and drink coffee and have fun with the ladies in my bible study and had friends over tonight for our Home Group study. I am so excited to have our little boy join our family, but I don't want to walk faster than the One I am trying to follow.
Sorry....I think this post has been more of a sermon to myself. : ) Chill out Becky!