Sunday, September 23, 2007

Taking Down Ben's Pictures

I have taken Ben's picture off our blog and down from around the house. I am keeping them in my bible. I feel committed to him for life in my heart and in my prayers. When I pray for my kids, I pray for him, and maybe that was God's purpose in allowing us to think he was ours. He will be prayed for as he grows, but I needed to take his pictures away so we could get the image of him out of our minds and hearts and open them to the possibility of another child. If we are going to continue forward in adopting from Liberia, I want to have an open heart to the one the Lord chooses, and not have a picture in my mind of who I think that child should be.

Here is an excerpt from my prayer journal tonight:

"The more time that is going by, the more I am feeling ready to let go of Ben and attach my heart to whomever You bring home to us. I surrender. You choose. You are trustworthy. I will trust You to build our family according to Your will not mine. "

12 comments:

Kim & Dale said...

Our family has been praying for you during our devotion time after supper. One night Joshua said, "Mom, maybe God knew that Ben wouldn't live a long time or that his heart would never soften towards the Lord. I think God has a better son in mind for the Avellas." I certainly don't claim to have any answers. I just thought it was sweet that Joshua could still see a merciful God and a sweet, loving God during a difficult time. It doesn't take away the sadness over the loss. I had to fight the tears when I read your post. Lifting you high in love, Kim

Jenny said...

Becky,

My heart aches for you as I read your post. Praying for you.

I too struggle with issues related to the loss of several of our babies through miscarriage and the plans that God has for us.

Ben is lucky to have you as his faithful praying mama. Praying that God would provide the comfort and strength you need to walk through this difficult time and that His great plan would reveal your son.

Blessings,
Jenny (AoH group)

Jaimee said...

Becky,

Hey this is Jaimee, do you remember Ted and I from our adoption class back in January? I met a friend of yours, Andi, and asked about you. I'm so sorry to hear and read about your latest news. You have endured so much and as I read your posts, I realize what a strong woman and wonderful mother you are. After our class, Guatemala (our country choice) was going through quite a bit of turmoil, so we pursued a domestic adoption out of Houston. That adoption ended up failing and we were devastated. I really can relate to the pain you are feeling right now. If you ever want to talk, feel free to e-mail me. Also, this post should lead you to our blog as well. I'm praying that you guys will find the strength to continue on...and that your son comes home to you very soon.

-Jaimee

Rachel said...

becky, words cant convey how sorry i am about ben. praying for you and pat as you rest in Him. rachel and ryan h.

Zandy said...

Becky, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Andrew and I went through something similar, but not the same, we were chosen by a birthmom in Houston and she had six weeks to go till she gave birth, we e-mailed and talked on the phone for close to six weeks and then I had a really strange feeling that she was not going to place her child for adoption. That is what happened, she just stopped communication all of a sudden and that was it. We already fell in love with this baby and we knew that it was a boy so we were getting all ready for him to come home to us. It was really hard for both of us. Then we decided that we needed to get right back in there, because I wanted a child to love so badly. Then we got the call from our birthmom Theresa and it felt so right, I know that it's hard to think about this but if the first situation didn't happen we wouldn't have our Matthias! I couldn't imagine my life without him. I know that the Lord has a plan for you Pat and the girls and there is a little one out there for you, I just pray that the hurt will lessen a little each day and that the Lord will lead you to a new little member of your family.

Zandra

Rae said...

Becky,

I really enjoyed our conversation from the airport the other day (even if I was crying in front of lots of strangers!). I totally saw it as a conversation between friends, so let yourself off the hook there, my dear! :)

I have to say, I'm so proud of you my friend. You are moving forward without denying your grief and that shows just how much you are trusting the Father to lead and guide and do right by you. It's precious to me to be able to count you a friend.

Love,
Rae

PS--Your hair is TOOOO cute in the picture with the red shirt! Aaaaa-dorable! :)

THE PASLAY'S OF MOUNTAIN HOME said...

HEY BECKY!

I HAVE BEEN READING YOUR BLOG AND I JUST DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY... I HAVE BEEN PRAYING FOR YOUR FAMILY AND YOU! I LOVE YOU GIRL! YOU KNOW MY SIBLINGS AND I ARE ADOPTED. WHEN MY MOM ADOPTED MY FIRST SISTER FROM KOREA SHE FELT THE LORD WAS LEADING HER TO ADOPT THIS LITTLE BOY THAT WAS STAYING IN THE ORPHANAGE THAT MY SISTER HAD BEEN LIVING AT... TOO MAKE A VERY LOOOOONG STORY SHORT, IT DID NOT WORK OUT AND IT WAS SO HARD ON OUR FAMILY! BUT, ALMOST TWO YEARS LATER MY SECOND SISTER FROM KOREA ARRIVED! I KNOW THAT SHARING A BIT OF OUR STORY DOESN'T HELP, BUT JUST KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN PRAYING AND THINKING ABOUT YOU!

I LOVE YOU GIRL AND AM PRAYING FOR YOU BIGTIME!!!

HUGS,
DAWNITA
BY THE WAY, LOOOOOOOVE THE NEW PHOTO! YOU LOOK GREAT AND LOVE THE HAIR!!!!

Blu and Darbi said...

This must be so hard. We'll continue to keep your family in our prayers as God leads you down His path.

Love,
Darbi

Michelle Maher said...

Becky,

I check in with your blog regularly. My heart has broken and my prayers flowed for you after the news about Ben came. I hope that this is a time of healing for you and that you are able to build up strength for the next part of your journey. We found out simultaneously that our first referral fell through and about our second one. It threw us for a loop because we didn't have that "closure," so I hope that you get that before you can rejoice in a new one.
Praying,
Michelle Maher

Mike said...

Very wise words printed in your prayer journal. Very wise indeed.

amber said...

Becky,
I just have to tell you how blessed I have been by your deep honesty and vulnerability through this difficult time. My heart has been so touched by your beautiful response and the way you are processing the grief. Your faith and trust are inspiring. Thank you for sharing. I am praying that God makes the "why" clear in time and that He continues to hold you and comfort you.
With love,
Amber G.

Anonymous said...

Becky,
When I read your blog it took me right back to the day I collected the pictures of referrals we lost. It was such a hard time. I saved those pictures and as we prepared to bring Josh home I put together a scrapbook for him of all the process we went through and made a page for each of the boys we loved and lost. It was very cathartic for me and helped me put this whole thing in perspective. There is still some sadness for those children, but we know God meant Josh for us and we're thankful for how He brought us together. I can't wait until you are standing on this end of the process!
Maralee (AoH group)