Friday, September 14, 2007

You Choose Becky

I almost quit yesterday. Not just on adoption, but on everything. I am so tired and weary.

A good friend sent me an email last night. In it he wrote, “I am sure losing Benjamin is not where this will all end for you guys.” I heard God’s voice say, “It could be. It could be the end of the story for you, if you quit. You can quit right now and be done and walk away and that will be the end of the story. Or you can press on to the blessings and assignments I have for you. It’s your choice.” It was almost like He drew a line in the sand for me.

I keep hearing God ask me, “Are you a soldier or not? Get up and fight.” Will this experience strengthen our resolve to do His work, or will this disappointment be the thing that makes us quit on Him. When my brother was a plebe at the Naval Academy, I remember them talking about the huge numbers of Midshipmen who would be weeded out. I had to ask myself, are Pat and I going to be weeded out? Are we going to desert, drop out of the program and walk away? Or are we going to allow ourselves to be trained into officers.

We are tired. We have been thoroughly beat up these past two years. I have four babies in heaven. I have a little boy in Liberia who will always have a piece of my heart. He will always be my spiritual son. I think you can say I am now officially an expert in the miscarriage department. I’ve delivered my son’s little body; I’ve experienced early miscarriage, late miscarriage, and now adoption miscarriage. But have I been destroyed? No!

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”
-2 Corinthians 4:7-9

I believe that because Pat and I are weak and tired and hurt, we have been marked by the enemy. He sneaks up from behind to attack us who are weak, just like the Amalekites did when the Israelites were leaving Egypt. We can sit down and say, “I deserve a break. I’m tired. I quit, someone else can take over.” That’s when we can be picked off; we need to be on guard as we are tired.

God is the defender of the weak and He has asked Pat and me to join him in taking care of the weak, defenseless, the abandoned, even if He has a different one for us then the cute little face that we decided we wanted. Another question he keeps asking me is, “Who is this about?” If you quit now you are saying, “This is about me.” If you keep going, you are saying, “This is about You, Lord, and the defenseless orphans that need us.” Are we in this to take care of orphans, and to be obedient to the Lord, or are we in it to get a prize for the pain we’ve been through, because we think we deserve it like a consolation prize. What is our motivation?

As I was writing these thoughts out, my five-year-old daughter came into the room. This was the conversation we just had:

Karissa: Mommy are you still sad because we can’t adopt Benjamin?

Me: Yes, honey, I am. How are you feeling about it?

Karissa: I’m OK. God gave his mommy enough money and food to take care of him because He knew he wasn’t the little boy for us. Can you get a picture of our new brother? What’s his name? Are we going to change his name again?

Me: I don’t know, honey, we’ll see.

The faith of a child. Karissa understands that God has our best interest, and Benjamin’s and his mother’s best interest in mind. He is good. He is love. He will work this out for our good if we will participate with him. Karissa knows to just keep moving forward, looking toward the best blessing God has for us. I need to follow her example and allow myself to keep following my Daddy.

How it will all play out for us, I don’t know, but I’m determined to not let this be the end of the story for us. Please pray for us to be strong and faithful to the plans that God has for us. As always, He is trustworthy. He didn’t change after that phone call came in on Wednesday night. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11


Dono & Laurie said...

Thank you for this window into your heart and processing! I pray for God's arms to wrap around you during this painful time. We serve a good God...I just want to encourage you, to stay the course, to persevere, and to be aligned with your Heavenly Father and His plans for you. Bless you Becky, I appreciate your transparency and I'm inspired by your faith!
Lots of Love-

Anonymous said...

Becky, I have been praying for you all day. I truly believe that God has BIG BIG plans for you.
I ache for you and I pray that you stay the course.
Debbi Busack

Scott and Katy said...

These words and your faith are so beautiful. I too thank you for sharing your heart.
I praise God that He has given you the strength and endurance to carry on and not be weeded out.
I too am inspired by your faith.
May the Lord richly bless you and fill your hearts and your home with the love and presence of the son He has destined to be yours.
May He continue to heal your brokenness and strengthen your resolve!

julie said...

thank you for sharing your heart with us. i agree with debbie that God has something special for you and your family. press on!

All 8 of Us said...

i know you don't 'know' me but I am continuing to lift you and your family up before the throne of will come in the morning!! I am so sorry for all the loss you have experienced recently.I appreciate your heart to praise Him still and God is so honored in that.I am praying for His comforting arms to carry you! God never wastes pain or heartache and in all of this He is strengthening your faith and trust muscles...I remember struggling so much during the ups and downs of our adoption that our kiddos have been home 9 months, I can honestly say He has used all that He taught my heart during those days of preparation to carry us through the difficult moments of transition. I so look forward to rejoicing with you some day soon!You will see, it will all be worth it!!!I read Spurgeon's morning and Evening today and thought of you have this? If not, email me and I'll send today's reading to you

DeniseinSC said...

You have fellow members of God's army rallying you and praying you through. You are will heal, and you need to go on! Don't let that old serpent win!!! Hang on!!!!!!! Love ,Denise

Kris in Mtn Home said...

Becky, I am so sorry for your heartache right now. But, please, even though you are feeling worn out, don't give up! God has a plan for you and Pat! He started you on this journey and He knows where it is going. Don't let the enemy in. Keep up the battle! I am praying for you all.
Much Love,

Brandi said...

Praying for you and aching with you. I am encouraged by your faith and your understanding of when to stay on guard. We will be lifting you up too, when your arms are tired. When you can't think of truth through the fog, just ask. We're happy to speak it into your life too.

With all our love,

jeff & katie said...

wow...Thank you for putting this into words. He has asked us, hasn't stay with Him and stay strong regardless of the storm we are in, eh?
It's interesting...When we first learned of our adoption difficulty, I freaked! I cried, I was limp with sadness and fear. God asked me, "Are you giving up so easily?"..I was shocked! Then things just got worse and I had to choose, NO I am not giving up, until He says so, even if in the end we lose our kids. I AM NOT GIVING UP. Becky, thank you for sharing. I pray the Lord would continue to speak to you and draw you into his hope, rest, and assurance. Your words have SO encouraged me! and your daughters words!! we'll continue to pray for you and your family!
learning to trust,
Katie B.

jaz said...

I am inspired beyond words. Baby Micah's paperwork is scheduled to be reviewed by Alma on the 25th, and if we get the same call you got, I'm going to beg to plaigarize this post. It's beautiful, and I have a scripture for you. 2 Chronicles 16:9 says, "For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him..." God bless you,
Jamie Z.

As For Our House...We will serve the Lord. said...

Becky, I have never visited your blog before, but I was sent here by a friend who had heard of your loss. She thought I could relate and encourage....relate I CAN.....and encourage, I HOPE TO.

The Lord called us to adopt a couple of years ago, and after much waiting we accepted the referral of the sweetest little Guatemalan baby we had ever seen. His name would be Isaac. After two trips to Guatemala to see him, and EIGHT MONTHS of bonding (through monthly videos and many pictures...and MANY prayers) his birthmother returned to the orphanage and took him back.

I do not need to describe the deep, gut-wrenching, painful loss that we are experiencing it now. I was so confused because I really thought that the Lord had intended Isaac to be a part of our family. The grief that our two older children felt (12 and 9 years old at the time) made the pain seem unbearable at times.

I tell you all of this, because I hope that hearing the "rest of the story" will encourage you.

If you visit our blog now, you will see pictures of our sweet, sweet son....Micah. I have absolutely no doubt in mind heart and mind that Micah was the son that the Lord intended to be in our family from the very beginning. My heart could burst with joy every morning when I first lay eyes on him for the day. God blessed us beyond our wildest hopes and dreams.

And Isaac??? Our family prays for him often. We still have pictures of him in our do friends of ours who also pray for him. I believe that God brought him to us for a specific time and purpose....although, at the time we lost him, I could not have EVER fathomed having such a peace. And who knows that we may someday have more chapters in our story with Isaac?? I hope and pray that we will one day know more.

My song through that time was "Held" by Natalie Grant. At the time of our loss it seemed like such a sad song.....but I cannot tell you the joy that I felt a couple of months after Micah was home when that song came on the radio. I literally got up in the middle of my living room and danced with him in my arms.....sobbing.....because I FINALLY, TRULY KNEW WHAT IT MEANT TO BE HELD.

I hope that blesses you.
God is faithful.
He does, indeed, have plan for your family....and a plan for a child that includes a hope and future that He will use YOU to bring.

You are on my heart tonight,


Michelle said...

Becky, This has been my first visit to your blog as well. Oh the heartache of losing children whom you think you will be able to hold! But God has different plans....

I've lost 2 to miscarriage and 2 sets of 3 children each because of lost referrals. It's so hard.

Our family's story is not over though. We are waiting now on 2 more through AoH.

Your story isn't over either. God brought this little one into your life for a reason! Rejoice in that.

I will be praying for you and your family as you grieve this tremendous loss.

Welcome to Jen said...

I am praying for you! You are such a strong amazing person! When you could let this defeat are moving forward and trusting in HIS plan for your family. I pray that each step is easier for you. I know that in the long run you will know exactly why the Lord took you down the path he did....and his work as usual will be beautiful. God bless your heart!

Love Jen :)