Saturday, February 9, 2008

Looking Back

(Today's thoughts were inspired by this post.)

There has been so much to be afraid of lately.

Anti-adoption propaganda has been showing up in Liberian newspapers, and unfortunately many people have believed the lies. One of the Acres of Hope families lost their referral this week because the birth mother believed the stories of child trafficking and removed her kids from the program.

All week last week there was a looming threat that the US Embassy in Liberia might put a hold on adoptions. Thankfully, that did not happen, but it was a tense and stressful week of wondering.

I'm 12 weeks pregnant this week, and my last two miscarriages happened at 13 weeks. This nagging voice of doubt keeps taunting me, "Is this your last week? Will Tuesday's doctor visit bring bad news?"

I've dealt with fear of inadequacy as a mother. Fears that I'm not doing enough and not being enough. Fear, fear, fear.

In the midst of it all, God has been calling me to a deeper level of trust. I had some amazing quiet times of prayer this week that have left me with a longing for that complete abandon, surrender, and sincere trust in Him that is so trustWORTHY.

Fear keeps threatening to take over, but peace keeps responding, "BE STILL!"

My friend and I were talking about how to trust God. We're told all the time, "Trust Him," yet rarely told how. During that conversation, I was having a hard time articulating what I was thinking, but I came home and read this. The author put into words what I was trying to say.

The ability to trust comes from looking backward. As I look backward, I see the memorial stones of past evidence of God's provision and grace in my life. When I look backwards, I see the countless blessings, the many, many times that Jesus carried me through storms, the joys, the memories, the love, and His constant presence. He has been my best friends since early childhood.

It's so strange too, that coming out of this season of loss, of all of the miscarriages, I've come out of it trusting Him more, not less. I survived. I was comforted. I felt His comfort in a way that I had never felt it before, and I was given renewed hope for the future.

So today facing an uncertain future, an unpredictable adoption process, a scary pregnancy anniversary, and all of the everyday things that make me wonder if I will ever be enough, I look backward first and see the One in which I trust.

Here's an oldie but a goodie:

Footprints

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Scenes from his life flashed across the sky and he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life had flashed before him, he recalled that at the lowest and saddest times of his life there was only one set of footprints.

Dismayed, he asked, "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. I don't understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious child. I love you and I would never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffering when you saw only one set of footprints...

That was when I carried you."

5 comments:

Lisa said...

Oh Becky,
Continuing to hold you up in prayer, my friend!
Lisa

Hilty Sprouts! said...

You are an inspiration my friend and a wonderful mom! I pray for you whenever I think of you, which is quite often!

Love, Jen

Missy said...

I'm praying for God's sweet peace to surround you today in anticipation of your appointment tomorrow. I'm also continuing to pray that God will use the medication to keep your little one safe and secure in the protection of your womb for many more weeks for a healthy delivery.

And of course, JJ and his homecoming are always in my prayers. I'm so excited that Pat is going to travel.

Much love to you,
Missy

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of all the times growing up you asked God, "When is it my turn?" Look at the wonderful way in which he answered you and focus on the wonderful family and life you have. I love you, Mom

Jamie said...

I totally understand about your fear. I keep telling myself once I get past 15 weeks (when I lost my last one) I'll be fine...