God keeps showing me different reasons why He has allowed our adoption process to be stalled. This is the newest reason that I've been thinking about:
When we first began this process, I was so gung-ho. I wanted to jump in with both feet. My attitude was, "Bring it on!" We had great momentum going with the paperwork and the process, and I was so excited. I was going strong on emotion, thrilled to be following God's call on our lives.
I think God used this emotion to get the ball rolling and to convince us of His call to do this. Than the whole process came to a screeching halt and the delay made the emotion and momentum die down. All of a sudden, fear and doubt have crept in, making me anxious and afraid.
I am realizing that God has used this time of delay to strip away the emotional high and replace it with true commitment and resolve to follow Him in this call that isn't based on emotions, or good feelings, but on trust and obedience.
It seems like panic about this whole thing usually hits me right before bed. It has amazed me how every time I panic and get afraid, God responds with reassurance that we are doing the right thing. I keep a women's devotional Bible on my nightstand and it is my routine to read the day's devotion before I fall asleep. It has been pretty miraculous how every time I get in bed afraid, I get to fall asleep in peace because of the specific devotion for the day and how God uses it to speak to our situation and my fear.
Tuesday's devotion spoke of Ruth and the commitment she made to Naomi. Ruth abandoned her homeland, her former life, her family, her religion and followed her mother-in-law and her mother-in-law's God into a strange land. That commitment to Naomi was based on something stronger and more lasting than good feelings. The devotion said this:
Commitment must be fueled not merely by head knowledge but also by heart
determination. Ruth had nothing to offer to Naomi or to God but herself,
and that she gave willingly and eagerly. Every woman, whatever her
circumstances or position has at least that to give the Savior, and it is
enough! (Dorothy Patterson, Women's Devotional Bible NIV)
Last night's devotion spoke to me most of all. It reminded me of where my focus needs to lie. Not on me, not on my fears, not even on our son, it must be on God alone. The devotion was about Hannah and it contrasted the two prayers she prayed. Here's an excerpt from the devotion that really spoke to me:
Hannah's second prayer (1 Samuel 2:1-11) is far different from the pain of
her first prayer in 1 Samuel 1:11. It's an amazing song of praise to the
God whom she sees as sovereign overall of life. Reread it and notice all
that Hannah believes about God. Can we say we believe these things?
Hannah makes no mention in this second prayer of the son for whom she prayed
so fervently. The subject is not her need or her son. The subject of
this prayer is God!
Could it be that Hannah learned what we need to learn- that it is God who
makes life complete? Oh, we yearn for this and ache for that. We
concentrate on our need instead of on God. It is God who is enough.
"The LORD' Hannah says, 'is a God who knows' (1 Samuel; 2:3). No
wonder the Scripture says over and over: Wait for the Lord! Not for the
things you want, but for the Lord! (Gladys M. Hunt, Women's Devotional Bible NIV)
By slowing the process, God has taught me that this is about true love, just like marriage. It is not about me, or about making me feel good, and good feelings will not be enough to sustain me through the whole adoption process and as a mother. It is commitment, resolve, love in action, and a focus that is steadfast, locked on Jesus. It's just like when Peter walked on water. While his eyes were on Jesus he did fine, as soon as he looked away, he sunk. I'm praying that God would remind me to keep looking at Him.
I told my mom the other day that I just need people to keep encouraging me and telling me that we're doing the right thing, because I get so scared. I kept thinking about that after I said it. I don't need people to tell me this, I need God to remind me that this is all about Him. He will be perfect in my weakness.
Sorry that my posts have been so long lately....I've been thinking a lot and it takes a lot of words to get it all out. : )